1
- Bernie, this is Anna.
- Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.

2
- And you.
- Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you

3
- Hi, Bella.
- Hi.

4
Um, it- it- it's a hat.
You don't have to wear it or anything.

5
- Hi, Will.
- Hi.

6
Hi.

7
- Hi.
- What?

8
- Wine, Bernie?
- Mm.

9
You haven't slept with her, have you?

10
That is a cheap question, and
the answer is, of course, no comment.

11
- No comment means "yes. "
- No, it doesn't.

12
- Do you ever masturbate?
- Definitely no comment.

13
- You see, it means "yes. "
- Oh, my God!

14
So, uh, tell me,
um, Anna, what do you do?

15
- I'm an actress.
- Oh, splendid.

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What do you do?

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I'm actually in the stock market myself,
so, uh, not really similar fields.

18
Though, um- um, I have done
the odd bit of amateur stuff.

19
Um- uh, P.G. Wodehouse.
Farce, all that, you know.

20
"Careful there, Vicar. "

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Always imagined it's a pretty tough job,
though, acting.

22
- The wages are a scandal, aren't they?
- They can be.

23
I see friends from university-
clever chaps.

24
Been in the business longer than you.

25
They're scraping by on seven,
eight thousand a year.

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You know, it's no life.

27
- What sort of acting do you do?
- Films, mainly.

28
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done.
How's the pay in movies?

29
I mean, last film you did,
what did you get paid?

30
Fifteen million dollars.

31
Right.

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So that's, well, fairly good.

33
Right, I think we're ready.

34
- Ooh.
- Okay.

35
Bella, can you tell me
where I can find-

36
Oh, sorry.
It's down the corridor on the right.

37
I'll show you.

38
Quickly, quickly.
Talk very, very quickly.

39
What are you doing here
with Anna Scott?

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- Anna Scott?
- Yes. Shut up!

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- What, the film star?
- Shh!

42
- Oh, God!
- What?

43
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God.
- What did you say to her?

44
I don't believe it.
I actually walked into the loo with her.

45
I was still chatting
when she started unbuttoning her jeans.

46
- She had to ask me to leave.
- Oh, God.

47
So you knew who she was?

48
Of course I did, but he didn't.

49
Well, not instantly, but I- I-
I got away with it.

50
- What do you think of the guinea-fowl?
- I'm a vegetarian.

51
Oh, God.

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So, how's the guinea-fowl?

53
Best guinea-fowl
I've ever tasted.

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It's amazing how you

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Can speak right to my heart

56
Without saying a word

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You can light up the dark

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Try as I may, I can never explain

59
- What I hear when you
don't say a thing

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Having you here, Anna, firmly
establishes what I've long suspected-

61
that we really are the most
desperate lot of underachievers.

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- Shame.
- I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

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In fact, I think it's something
we should take pride in.

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I'm gonna give the last brownie
as a prize...

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to the saddest act here.

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- Uh-oh.
- Bern.

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Yeah, all right.
Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it?

68
I mean, I work in the city in a job
I don't understand,

69
and everyone keeps
getting promoted above me.

70
I haven't had a girlfriend since-
well, since puberty.

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And... nobody fancies me.

72
And if these cheeks get any chubbier,
they never will.

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- Nonsense. I fancy you.
- Really?

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Yeah. Or I did
before you got so fat.

75
You see.
And unless I'm much mistaken,

76
your job still pays you
rather a lot of money...

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whilst Honey here
earns 20 pence a week...

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flogging her guts out
in London's worst record store.

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Yes! And I haven't got hair.
I've got feathers.

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And I've got funny goggly eyes.
And I'm attracted to cruel men.

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And, actually,
no one will marry me...

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because, um, my boosies
have actually started shrinking.

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- You see, it's incredibly sad.
- But on the other hand,

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her best friend is Anna Scott.

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That's true. I can't deny it.
She needs me. What can I say?

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And most of her limbs work, whereas
I'm stuck in this thing day and night,

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in a house full of ramps.

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And to add insult
to serious injury,

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I've totally given up smoking,
my favorite thing.

90
And, um, well, the truth is,

91
we can't have a baby.

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Oh, Belle.

93
C'est la vie.

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Still, um, we're lucky in lots of ways.

95
But surely that's worth a brownie.

96
Well, I don't know.
Look at William.

97
- Very unsuccessful professionally.
- That's true.

98
Divorced. Used to be handsome,
now kind of squidgy round the edges.

99
And absolutely certain never
to hear from Anna again...

100
- once she's heard that his
nickname at school was- - Floppy.

101
You did.
I can't believe it, you did.

102
Thanks very much. Thank you.
Well, at least I get the last brownie.

103
I think so, yes.

104
Well, wait.
What about me?

105
I'm sorry?
You think you deserve the brownie?

106
Well, a shot at it at least, huh?

107
You'll have to prove it.
This is a very, very good brownie.

108
I'm gonna fight for it.

109
I've been on a diet
every day since I was 19,

110
which basically means
I've been hungry for a decade.

111
I've had a series of not-nice
boyfriends, one of whom hit me.

112
Uh, and every time
I get my heart broken,

113
the newspapers splash it about
as though it's entertainment.

114
And... it's taken two rather painful,
um, operations...

115
to get me looking like this.

116
- Really?
- Really.

117
And one day not long from now,
my looks will go,

118
they will discover I can't act,

119
and I will become
some sad, middle-aged woman...

120
who... looks a bit like someone
who was famous for a while.

121
No, nice try, gorgeous,
but you don't fool anyone.

122
No.

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Pathetic effort
to hog the brownie.

124
- Thank you for such a terrific time.
- I'm delighted.

125
- That's a great tie.
- Now you're lying.

126
Okay, it's true.
I told you I was bad at acting.

127
- It was lovely to meet you.
- Yeah, and you. And you.

128
I'll wait until you've gone
before I tell him you're a vegetarian.

129
- No!
- Oh!

130
- Good night.
- I'm so sorry about the loo thing.

131
I meant to leave.
I just-