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Notting Hill

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CD1 CD2

1
So stay with us, because later this afternoon...

2
we're lucky enough to be talking to Anna Scott,

3
Hollywood's biggest star by far.

4
Miss Scott's latest film is once again topping the charts.

5
She may be the face I can't forget

6
The trace of pleasure or regret

7
May be my treasure or the price

8
I have to pay

9
She may be the mirror

10
Of my dream

11
A smile reflected in a stream

12
She may not be what she may seem

13
Inside her shell

14
She who always seems so happy in a crowd

15
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

16
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

17
She may be the love that cannot hope to last

18
May come to me from shadows of the past

19
That I'll remember till the day

20
I die

21
She may be the reason I survive

22
The why and wherefore I'm alive

23
The one I'll care for through the rough

24
And ready years

25
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears

26
And make them all my souvenirs

27
For where she goes I've got to be

28
The meaning of my life is

29
She

30
Oh, she

31
Of course I've seen her films...

32
and always thought she was, well, fabulous.

33
But, you know, a million, million miles from the world I live in...

34
which is here, Notting Hill, my favorite bit of London.

35
There's the market on weekdays selling every fruit and vegetable known to man.

36
Rock hard bananas, five for a pound!

37
The tattoo parlor with a guy outside who got drunk...

38
and now can't remember why he chose "I love Ken. "

39
The radical hairdressers where everyone comes out looking like the cookie monster,

40
whether they want to or not.

41
And then, suddenly, it's the weekend,

42
and from break of day hundreds of stalls appear out of nowhere,

43
filling Portobello Road, right up to Notting Hill Gate.

44
And whereveryou look thousands of people are buying millions of antiques,

45
some genuine and some... not quite so genuine.

46
And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London.

47
That's Tony, for example, architect turned chef,

48
who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant.

49
And so, this is where I spend my days and years...

50
in this small village in the middle of the city in a house with a blue door...

51
that my wife and I bought together before she left me for a man...

52
who looked exactly like Harrison Ford...

53
and where I lead a strange half-life with a lodger called-

54
Spike!

55
Hey, you coudn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?

56
This is important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel Third World debt?

57
That's right. I am at last going out on a date with the great Janine,

58
and I just wanna be sure I've picked the right T-shirt.

59
- What are the choices? - Well, wait for it.

60
First there's this one. Cool, huh?

61
Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.

62
Point taken. Don't despair.

63
If it's romance we're looking for, I believe I have just the thing.

64
Yeah, well, there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind.

65
Right. Just one more.

66
True love, here I come.

67
Well, yeah. Yeah, that's- that's, um, perfect.

68
Great. Thanks.

69
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.

70
And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday,

71
as I walked the thousand yards through the market to work,

72
never suspecting that this was the day that was gonna change my life forever.

73
This is work, by the way, my little travel bookshop,

74
- Morning, Martin. - Morning, Monsignor.

75
which, um, well, sells travel books,

76
and to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those.

77
Classic. Profit from major sales push,

78
minus ?47.

79
Shall I, uh, go and get you a cappuccino?

80
- You know, ease the pain a bit. - Yeah, yeah.

81
Better make it a half. All I can afford.

82
Get your logic. Demi-cappu coming right up.

83
Um, can I help you at all?

84
No, thanks. I'll just... look around.

85
Fine.

86
Uh, that book's really not great.

87
Just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money.

88
But if it's Turkey you're interested in,

89
um, this one, on the other hand, is very good.

90
Um, I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps.

91
Um, there's also a very amusing incident with a kebab,

92
um, which is one of many amusing incidents.

93
Thanks. I'll think about it.

94
Or, in the bigger hardback variety, there's-

95
Um, sorry. Can you just give me a second?

96
Excuse me.

97
- Yes? - Bad news.

98
- What? - We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.

99
- So? - So I saw you put that book down your trousers.

100
- What book? - The one down your trousers.

101
I don't have a book down my trousers.

102
Right.

103
I tell you what. Um, I'll call the police, and, um,

104
if I'm wrong about the whole "book down the trousers" scenario, I really apologize.

105
Okay. What if... I did have a book down my trousers?

106
Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk,

107
you'd remove the Cadogan Guide to Bali from your trousers...

108
and either wipe it and put it back or buy it.

109
I'll see you in a sec.

110
I'm sorry about that.

111
No, it's fine.

112
I was gonna steal one, but now I've changed my mind.

113
Oh, signed by the author, I see.

114
Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.

115
If you can find an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune.

116
Excuse me.

117
- Yes? - Can I have your autograph?

118
Uh, sure.

119
Uh- Here.

120
- What's your name? - Rufus.

121
What does it say?

122
That's my signature. And above it, it says, "Dear Rufus, you belong in jail. "

123
Good one.

124
- Do you want my phone number? - Tempting.

125
But... no. Thank you.

126
I will take this one.

127
Oh, right, right. So, uh-

128
Well, on second thoughts, um, maybe it's not that bad after all.

129
Actually, it's a sort of classic, really.

130
None of those childish kebab stories you find in so many books these days.

131
And, um, I tell you what.

132
I'll throw in one of those for free.

133
Useful for, uh, lighting fires,

134
wrapping fish, that sort of thing.

135
- Thanks. - Pleasure.

136
Cappuccino, as ordered.

137
Thanks.

138
I don't think you'll believe who was just in here.

139
Who? Was it someone famous?

140
- No, no, no. - No?

141
Would be exciting, though, wouldn't it, if someone famous came into the shop? Hmm?

142
Do you know- and this is pretty amazing, actually-

143
but I once saw Ringo Starr.

144
- Where was that? - Kensington High Street.

145
At least I think it was Ringo. It might have been that man from Fiddler on the Roof.

146
- You know, Toppy. - Topol.

147
Yes, that's right. Topol.

148
Mm-hmm.

149
Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't - doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.

150
Yeah, but he was - he was quite a long way away from me.

151
So actually it could've been neither of them.

152
Yes, I suppose so, yes.

153
- It's not a classic anecdote, is it? - Not a classic, no. No.

154
- Another one? - Yes. No.

155
Let's go crazy. I'll have an orange juice.

156
- Okay, thanks. Bye-bye. - See you later.

157
Oh! Oh! Shit!

158
Oh, my God! Bugger! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

159
Here. Let me- Get your hands off!

160
I'm really sorry. I - I live just over the street.

161
I have, um, water and soap. You can get cleaned up.

162
No, thank you. I just need to get my car back.

163
I also have a phone. I'm confident that in five minutes...

164
we could have you spick-and-span and back on the street again.

165
In the non-prostitute sense, obviously.

166
All right. Well - What do you mean, "just over the street"?

167
Give it to me in yards. Uh, 18 yards.

168
That's my house there with the blue front door.

169
Come on in. I'll just- I'll just-

170
Um, right. Right. Come in.

171
It's, um, not quite as tidy as it normally is, I fear.

172
But, um - The bathroom's on the top floor.

173
And the telephone's just- just up here.

174
Here. Let- Let me, um-

175
Um, round the corner. Straight on - straight on up.

176
Bugger.

177
Uh-oh.

178
Uh,

179
would you like a cup of tea before you go?

180
- No. - Coffee?

181
- No. - Orange juice?

182
Probably not. Um, something else cold.

183
Uh-

184
Coke? Water?

185
Some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?

186
- No. - Would you like something to eat?

187
Uh, something to nibble?

188
Um, apricots soaked in honey?

189
Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting of apricots...

190
and makes them taste like honey,

191
and if you wanted honey, you'd just buy honey instead of... apricots.

192
Um, but nevertheless, there we go there.

193
They're yours if you want them.

194
No.

195
Do you always say "no" to everything?

196
No.

197
I'd better be going.

198
Thanks for your, uh, help.

199
And, uh, may I also say, um, heavenly.

200
I'll just take my one chance to say it.

201
After you've read that terrible book,

202
you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.

203
Thank you.

204
Yeah. Well, my pleasure.

205
So...

206
it was nice to meet you.

207
Surreal but, um- but nice.

208
Sorry.

209
"Surreal but nice"? What was I thinking?

210
- Hi. - Hi.

211
I forgot my other bag. Oh, right. Right.

212
Thanks.

213
I'm very sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment.

214
Disaster. That's okay.

215
I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point.

216
Oh, my God. My flatmate.

217
I'm sorry. There's no excuse for him.

218
- Hey. - Hi.

219
I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food.

220
Then I'm gonna tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.

221
Probably best not to tell anyone about this.

222
Right. Right. No one.

223
I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes, but don't worry. I won't believe it.

224
- Bye. - Bye.

225
There's something wrong with this yogurt.

226
It's not yogurt. It's mayonnaise.

227
Oh, right. There we are, then.

228
Mm.

229
On for a videofest tonight?

230
I got some absolute classics.

231
- Smile. - No.

232
- Smile. - I've got nothing to smile about.

233
Okay.

234
In about seven seconds,

235
I'm going to ask you to marry me.

236
Imagine.

237
Somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.

238
Yes, she is, uh,

239
fairly fabulous.

240
- Do you have any books by Dickens? - No.

241
No, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop. We only sell travel books.

242
Oh, right. How about the new John Grisham thriller?

243
Well, no, 'cause that's, uh- that's a novel too, isn't it?

244
Oh, right.

245
Have you got Winnie the Pooh?

246
Martin, your customer.

247
Uh, can I help you?

248
Once in a lifetime

249
Hey.

250
Hi.

251
- Once in a lifetime - Just, um, incidentally,

252
uh, why... are you wearing that?

253
Combination of factors really. Uh, no clean clothes.

254
There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.

255
Right. Vicious circle.

256
And I was, like, rooting around in your things...

257
and I found this, and I thought, "Cool. "

258
Kinda... spacey.

259
There's something wrong with the goggles, though.

260
No, they were, um, prescription.

261
- Groovy. - So I could see all the fishes properly.

262
You should do more of this stuff.

263
- So, look, any messages today? - Yeah, I wrote a couple down.

264
So there were two. There were two messages? Right?

265
You want me to write down all your messages?

266
Okay, who are the ones that you didn't write down from?

267
No. Gone completely. Oh, no.

268
There was one from your mum. She said don't forget lunch, and her leg's hurting again.

269
No one else? Absolutely no one else.

270
Though if we're going for this obsessive writing down all the message thing,

271
some American girl called Anna called a few days ago.

272
- What did she say? - Well, it was genuinely bizarre.

273
She said, "Hi. It's Anna. " The she said, "Call me at The Ritz"...

274
and then gave herself a completely different name.

275
- Which was? - Absolutely no idea.

276
Remembering one name's hard enough.

277
No, I- I know that. She- She said that.

278
Um, I know she's using another name.

279
The problem is she left the message with my flatmate...

280
which was a very serious mistake.

281
Um, I don't know. Imagine, if you will, the stupidest person you've ever met.

282
- Are you doing that? - Yes, sir, I have him in my mind.

283
And now double it. And that is the, um- what can I say-

284
the git that I am living with.

285
And he can't remember - Try Flintstone.

286
Sorry. What? I think she said her name was Flintstone.

287
I don't - I don't suppose, um, Flintstone rings any bells, does it?

288
Hello. Hi.

289
- Hi there. - Hello?

290
Hi. Hi.

291
- Sorry. It's William... Thacker. - Yes?

292
Um, we- I work in a bookshop.

293
Uh-huh. You played it pretty cool there, waiting for three days to call.

294
Oh, no, I promise you I've never played anything cool in my entire life.

295
My flatmate, who'll I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message.

296
I don't know. Perhaps, um,

297
I could drop round for tea later or something.

298
- Things are pretty busy here. I might be free around 4:00. - Right. Right. Great.

299
- Bye. - Yea- Bye.

300
Classic.

301
Classic.

302
- Which floor? - Three, please.

303
Uh, are you sure this is-

304
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.

305
- Hi. Hi. I'm Karen. - Hi.

306
I'm sorry. Things are running a little bit late.

307
Here's the, uh, thing. Do you wanna come this way? Cheers.

308
Through here.

309
So what did you think of the film?

310
Yeah, I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was, uh,

311
Close Encounters meets Jean de Florette.

312
I agree.

313
I'm sorry. I didn't get down what magazines you're from.

314
- Time Out. - Great.

315
And you're from?

316
Uh, Horse & Hound.

317
The name's William Thacker. I think, actually, she might be expecting me.

318
Oh, okay. Take a seat and I'll go check.

319
I see you've, uh - I see you've brought her some flowers.

320
No.

321
These are for my, um, grandmother.

322
She's in a hospital just down the road.

323
Thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, you know.

324
Sure, right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

325
Which hospital's that?

326
Do you mind me not saying?

327
It's a rather distressing disease.

328
Name of the hospital kind of gives it away. Absolutely. Sure.

329
Cheers. Ooh, yes.

330
Right, uh, Mr. Thacker. If you'll come this way.

331
Right.

332
You've got five minutes.

333
- Hi. - Hello.

334
Uh, I brought these, but clearly-

335
No, they're great. They're great.

336
Ah, listen, I'm sorry about not ringing back.

337
The whole "two-names concept" was totally too much for my flatmate's pea-sized intellect.

338
No, it's a stupid privacy thing. I always pick a... cartoon character.

339
Last time I was Mrs. Bambi.

340
- Everything all right? - Yes, thank you.

341
And you're from, uh, Horse & Hound.

342
Yeah. Good.

343
So, uh-

344
Uh, I'll just... fire away then, shall I?

345
Right.

346
Uh-

347
The film's great, and, um,

348
I just was wondering whether...

349
you ever thought of having, um,

350
more, uh, horses in it.

351
Uh, well, we would have liked to,

352
but it was, um, difficult, obviously, being set in space.

353
Space, right, yeah. Yeah, obviously very difficult.

354
I'm so sorry. I arrived outside.

355
They thrust this thing into my hand-

356
No, it's my fault. I thought this would all be over by now.

357
I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing.

358
I seriously don't know what came over me.

359
And I just wanted to make sure that you were fine about it.

360
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fine.

361
Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project...

362
which is, um, shooting later in the summer.

363
Ah, yes, excellent. Excellent.

364
Any horses in that one?

365
Or hounds for that matter. Our readers are equally intrigued by both species.

366
It takes place on a submarine.

367
Oh. Well, bad luck.

368
But, um,

369
if there were horses in it,

370
would you be riding them...

371
or would you be getting, a- a stunt-horse-double-man-thing?

372
I- I'm a complete moron. I apologize. I-

373
This is very weird. It's the sort of thing that happens in dreams,

374
not in real life.

375
I mean, good dreams. It's a-

376
It's a dream, in fact, uh, to see you again.

377
What happens next in the dream?

378
I suppose in the, uh, dream-

379
dream scenario- I just, uh,

380
change my personality...

381
because you can do that in dreams and, um,

382
walk over and, uh, kiss the girl.

383
But, uh-

384
Time's up, I'm afraid. Did you get what you wanted?

385
- Um, nearly, nearly. - Well, maybe just one last question.

386
- Sure. - Right, right.

387
Are you... busy tonight?

388
- Yes. - Right. Right.

389
- Come in. - Well, it was nice to meet you.

390
Yes, and you.

391
Surreal... but nice.

392
Thank you. You are Horse & Hounds' favorite actress.

393
You and Black Beauty...

394
tied.

395
How was she?

396
Oh, um, fabulous.

397
Excellent. Wait a minute. She took your grandmother's flowers.

398
Uh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

399
- Bitch. - Oh, Mr. Thacker.

400
Mr. Thacker, if you'd like to come with me,

401
- we can just rush you through the others. - The others?

402
Mr. Thacker is from Horse & Hound.

403
- How's it going? - Very well,thank you.

404
Have a seat.

405
Well, did you enjoy the film?

406
Yes, enormously.

407
- Well, fire away. - Right.

408
Did you enjoy making the film?

409
- Yes, I did. - Good.

410
Any bit in particular?

411
You tell me what bit you enjoyed the most,

412
and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making that bit.

413
Uh, I...

414
liked the bit in space...

415
very much.

416
Did you identify with the character you're playing?

417
- No. - No.

418
Because he's playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.

419
Classic.

420
So, uh,

421
is this your first film?

422
No. It's my 22nd.

423
Of course it is. Any favorites among the 22?

424
Working with Leonardo.

425
- Da Vinci? - DiCaprio.

426
Of course.

427
And is- is he your favorite Italian director?

428
- Mr. Thacker. - Oh, no.

429
- Have you got a minute? - No.

430
Hi.

431
Hi.

432
Um- Yeah, so the, um-

433
the - the thing I was doing tonight, I'm not doing anymore.

434
I told them I had to spend the evening...

435
with Britain's premier equestrian journalist.

436
Oh. Well, great.

437
Fantastic. That's, uh-

438
Oh. Shittity brickitty.

439
It's my sister's birthday. Shit. We're meant to be having dinner.

440
- Okay, that's fine. - No. I'm sure I can get out of it.

441
No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll be your date.

442
You- You'll be my date...

443
to my little sister's birthday party?

444
- If it's all right. - Well,yeah, I'm sure it's all right.

445
My friend Max is cooking,

446
and he is generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world,

447
but, um, you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.

448
- Okay. - Okay.

449
- He's bringing a girl? - Miracles do happen.

450
- Does the girl have a name? - Don't know. Wouldn't say.

451
Oh, Christ! What is going on in there?

452
Oh, God!

453
Hi. Come on in. Vague food crisis.

454
Hiya! Sorry.

455
The guinea-fowl is proving more complicated than expected.

456
- He's cooking guinea-fowl? - Don't even ask.

457
- Hi. - Hi.

458
Good Lord, you're the spitting image of-

459
Bella, this is Anna.

460
- Right. - Okay, crisis over.

461
Max, this is Anna.

462
- Hi. - Hello, Anna...

463
Scott. Have some wine.

464
Thank you.

465
I'll get it.

466
Red or white?

467
- Oh. Hey. - Hi.

468
- Oh, yes,happy birthday. - Thank you.

469
Look, your brother's brought this girl.

470
Hi, guys. Oh, holy fuck!

471
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She's my baby sister.

472
Oh. Hi.

473
Oh, God. This is one of those key moments in life...

474
when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool...

475
and I- I'm going to fail just a hundred percent.

476
I- I absolutely, totally and utterly adore you.

477
And I just think... you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

478
And, more importantly, I genuinely believe,

479
and I've believed for some time now, that we could be best friends.

480
So what do you think?

481
Uh, lucky me.

482
Well, happy birthday.

483
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already, then.

484
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.

485
Well, I'll think about it.

486
That'll be Bernie.

487
- Hi. - Hi. Sorry I'm late.

488
Bollocksed up at work again, I fear.

489
- Millions down the drain. - Well done.

490
- Bernie, this is Anna. - Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.

491
And you. Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you

492
- Hi, Bella. - Hi.

493
Um, it- it- it's a hat. You don't have to wear it or anything.

494
- Hi, Will. - Hi.

495
Hi.

496
- Hi. - What?

497
- Wine, Bernie? - Mm.

498
You haven't slept with her, have you?

499
That is a cheap question, and the answer is, of course, no comment.

500
- No comment means "yes. " - No, it doesn't.

501
Do you ever masturbate? Definitely no comment.

502
- You see, it means "yes. " - Oh, my God!

503
So, uh, tell me, um, Anna, what do you do?

504
I'm an actress. Oh, splendid.

505
What do you do?

506
I'm actually in the stock market myself, so, uh, not really similar fieids.

507
Though, um - um, I have done the odd bit of amateur stuff.

508
Um- uh, P. G. Wodehouse. Farce, all that, you know.

509
"Careful there, vicar. "

510
Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting.

511
- I mean, the wages are a scandal, aren't they? - They can be.

512
I see friends from university - clever chaps. Been in the business longer than you.

513
They're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year.

514
You know, it's no life.

515
- What sort of acting do you do? - Films, mainly.

516
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done. How's the pay in movies?

517
Fifteen million dollars.

518
Right.

519
So that's, well, fairly good.

520
Right, I think we're ready.

521
Okay.

522
- Bella, can you tell me where I can find- - Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.

523
- It's down the corridor on the right. - I'll show you.

524
Quickly, quickly, quickly. Talkvery, very quickly.

525
What are you doing here with Anna Scott?

526
- Anna Scott? - Yes. Shut up!

527
- What, the film star? - Shh!

528
- Oh, God! - What?

529
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God. - What did you say to her?

530
I don't believe it. I actually walked into the loo with her.

531
I was still chatting when she started unbuttoning her jeans.

532
- She had to ask me to leave. - Oh, God.

533
So you knew who she was?

534
Of course I did, but he didn't.

535
Well, not instantly, but I- I- I got away with it.

536
- What do you think of the guinea-fowl? - I'm a vegetarian.

537
Oh, God.

538
So, how's the guinea-fowl?

539
Best guinea-fowl I've ever tasted.

540
It's amazing how you

541
Can speak right to my heart

542
Without saying a word

543
You can light up the dark

544
Try as I may I can never explain

545
What I hear when you don't say a thing

546
Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what I've long suspected-

547
that we really are the most desperate lot of underachievers.

548
- Shame. - I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

549
In fact, I think it's something we should take pride in.

550
I'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize...

551
to the saddest act here.

552
Uh-oh. Bern.

553
Yeah, all right. Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it?

554
I mean, I work in the city in a job I don't understand,

555
and everyone keeps getting promoted above me.

556
I haven't had a girlfriend since- well, since puberty.

557
And... nobody fancies me.

558
And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.

559
- Nonsense. I fancy you. - Really?

560
Yeah. Or I did beforeyou got so fat.

561
You see. And unless I'm much mistaken,

562
your job still pays you a rather lot of money,

563
whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week...

564
flogging her guts out in London's worst record store.

565
Yes! And I haven't got hair. I've got feathers.

566
And I've got funny goggly eyes. And I'm attracted to cruel men.

567
And, actually, no one will marry me...

568
because, um, my boosies have actually started shrinking.

569
You see, it's incredibly sad. - But on the other hand,

570
her best friend is Anna Scott.

571
- True. I can't deny it. She needs me. What can I say?

572
And most of her limbs work, whereas I'm stuck in this thing day and night,

573
in a house full of ramps.

574
And to add insult to serious injury,

575
I've totally given up smoking, my favorite thing.

576
And, um, well, the truth is,

577
we can't have a baby.

578
Oh, Belle.

579
C'est la vie.

580
Still, um, we're lucky in lots ofways.

581
But surely that's worth a brownie.

582
Well, I don't know. Look at William.

583
- Very unsuccessful professionally. - That's true.

584
Divorced. Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy round the edges.

585
- And absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again...

586
- once she's heard that his nickname at school was- - Floppy.

587
You did. I can't believe it, you did.

588
Thanks very much. Thank you. Well, at least I get the last brownie.

589
I think so,yes.

590
Well, wait. What about me?

591
I'm sorry? You think you deserve the brownie?

592
Well, a shot at it at least, huh?

593
You'll have to prove it. This is a very, very good brownie, and I'm gonna fight for it.

594
I've been on a diet every day since I was 19,

595
which basically means I've been hungry for a decade.

596
I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one ofwhom hit me.

597
Uh, and every time I get my heart broken,

598
the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment.

599
And... it's taken two rather painful, um, operations...

600
to get me looking like this.

601
- Really? - Really.

602
And one day not long from now, my looks will go,

603
they will discover I can't act,

604
and I will become some sad, middle-aged woman...

605
who... looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.

606
No, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.

607
No.

608
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

609
- Thank you for such a terrific time. - I'm delighted.

610
- That's a great tie. - Now you're lying.

611
Okay, it's true. I told you I was bad at acting.

612
- It was lovely to meet you. - Yeah, and you. And you.

613
I'll wait until you've gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian.

614
- No! - Oh!

615
- Good night. - Anna, I'm so sorry about the loo thing.

616
I meant to leave. I just-

617
Ring me if you want someone to go shopping with.

618
I know lots of nice, cheap places, not that money is necessarily-

619
It was just so nice to meet you.

620
Happy birthday. You're my style guru. Thank you.

621
Sorry. Can I just- Oh.

622
- Thanks. - Leave her.

623
- Good night, everyone. - Bye.

624
Max, Belle, we'll see you in a couple of days.

625
- Thank you, everybody. - Call us. Call us. - Bye, guys.

626
- Bye, Anna. - Love your work.

627
Bye, Hon.

628
Sorry. They always do that when I leave the house.

629
It's a stupid thing. I hate it.

630
- "Floppy," huh? - It's the hair.

631
Mm-hmm. It's to do with the hair.

632
Why is she in a wheelchair?

633
Uh, because she had an accident about 18 months ago.

634
- And the pregnancy thing, is that to do with the accident? - You know, I'm not sure.

635
I don't think they tried for kids before, as fate would have it.

636
Do you want to, um-

637
My place is just, um-

638
Too complicated.

639
That's fine.

640
Busy tomorrow?

641
- I thought you were leaving tomorrow. - I was.

642
All these streets round here have these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them.

643
They're like little villages. Let's go in.

644
Ah, no, that's the point. They're private villages.

645
Only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.

646
Oh. You abide by rules like that?

647
I don't. No, no. But others do.

648
I just do what I want.

649
Um- Right.

650
Whoopsidaisies.

651
What did you say?

652
- Nothing. - Yes, you did.

653
- No, I didn't. - You said, "Whoopsidaisies. "

654
No one says, "Whoopsidaisies," do they? I mean, unless they're-

655
There is no "unless. " Because no one has said "Whoopsidaisies" for 50 years.

656
And even then it was - it was just little girls with blonde ringlets.

657
Exactly. Right. So here we go again.

658
Oh! Oh! Whoopsidaisies.

659
Yeah, well, it's a disease. It's a clinical thing.

660
I'm taking pills and having injections. And I'm told it won't last long.

661
- Okay, stand aside. - I don't think that's a good idea.

662
Really, it's quite, um, tricky. Anna.

663
Anna, don't. It's harder than it - No, it's not. It's easy.

664
Well-

665
Come on, Flopsy.

666
Right.

667
All right.

668
Oh, bugger.

669
Oh, God, this could be very unpleasant.

670
Ay! Bugger, bugger.

671
Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?

672
It's amazing how you

673
Can speak right to my heart

674
Nice garden.

675
Without saying a word

676
You can light up the dark

677
Try as I may I can never explain

678
What I hear when you don't say a thing

679
You say it best You say it best

680
When you say nothing at all

681
"For June who loved this garden.

682
From Joseph who always sat beside her. "

683
Some people do spend their whole lives together.

684
All day long I can hear

685
People talking out loud

686
But when you hold me near When you hold me near

687
You drown out the crowd Out the crowd

688
- Try as they may they can never define - Come and sit with me.

689
What's been said between your heart and mine

690
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

691
There's a truth in your eyes

692
- Saying you'll never leave me - Bollocks! Bollocks!

693
- Have you seen my glasses? - No, afraid not.

694
Big, big bollocks! Average day, my glasses are everywhere.

695
Everywhere I look there's a pair of glasses.

696
But when I want to go to the cinema, they've vanished.

697
It's one of life's real cruelties.

698
That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer, is it?

699
Oh, shit. Is that the time?

700
Thanks for all your help on the glasses thing.

701
Oh, you're welcome. Did you find them?

702
- Sort of. - Great.

703
Oh, the smile on yourface lets me know that you need me

704
There's a truth in your eyes

705
Saying you'll never leave me

706
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall

707
So who left who?

708
- Uh, she left me. - Why?

709
She saw through me. Uh-oh.

710
That's not good.

711
You can give me Anna Scott any day.

712
I didn't like her last film. Fell asleep as soon as the lights went down.

713
I don't really care what the film's like.

714
Any film with her in, it's fine by me.

715
She's not my type at all. I prefer the other one. You know, blonde, sweet-looking.

716
You know, what's-her-name.

717
Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup of coffee.

718
Meg Ryan.

719
No, she's too wholesome. The point about Miss Scott is...

720
she's got that twinkle in her eyes.

721
Probably drug-induced. Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.

722
Well, whatever. She's so clearly up for it.

723
You see, most girls, they're all like, "Stay away, chum. "

724
But Anna, she is absolutely gagging for it.

725
Do you know that in over 50% of the languages,

726
the word for "actress" is the same as the word for "prostitute. "

727
Where did you get that from?

728
And Anna is your definitive actress,

729
someone really filthy you can just flip over and start again.

730
- Right, that's it. Sorry. - No, no. There's really no point.

731
Um, sorry- sorry to disturb you guys.

732
But, um- Can I help?

733
Well, yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation, but I did.

734
And, um, I just think, you know,

735
the person you're talking about is a real person.

736
And I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration...

737
rather than having jerks like you drooling over her.

738
Oh, sod off, mate. What are you, her dad?

739
- I'm sorry. - No, I love that you tried.

740
Time was I'd have done the same thing. In fact-

741
Hi.

742
- Oh, my God. - I just wanted to apologize for my friend.

743
- He's very sensitive. - No, look, I-I-

744
No, no, leave it. It's, you know - I'm sure you didn't mean any harm.

745
I'm sure it was just friendly banter.

746
I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.

747
The tuna's really good.

748
I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.

749
No, you were brilliant. I'm rash and I'm stupid.

750
What am I doing with you?

751
Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid.

752
I don't either.

753
Here we are.

754
Yes.

755
- Well, look- - Do you wanna come up?

756
Well, there seem to be... lots of reasons why I shouldn't, so-

757
There are lots of reasons.

758
Do you wanna come up?

759
Give me five minutes?

760
- Hi. - Hi.

761
To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.

762
- You've got to go. - Why?

763
Because my boyfriend who was in America is, in fact, now in the next room.

764
- Boyfriend? - Yes.

765
- Baby, who is it? - Uh, it's, uh-

766
- Uh- - Uh, room service.

767
Oh. How you doing? I thought you guys always wore those, uh, penguin coats.

768
Usually we do.

769
But I was just, uh - just changed to go home.

770
And, um, then I thought I'd take this final call.

771
Oh, great. If you don't mind, I would like something too.

772
Could you bring me up some really, really cold water?

773
I'll see what I can do.

774
- Still, not sparkling. - Absolutely. Ice-cold still water.

775
Unless, of course, it's illegal in the U.K. to serve beverages below room temperature.

776
I wouldn't want you going to jail just to satisfy my whim now.

777
- No, I'm sure it's fine. - Thank you. - I-

778
Hey, one more thing. Could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too?

779
Uh- Right.

780
No. No. Um, don't- don't- don't do that.

781
I don't think it's his job to clear.

782
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's your name, man?

783
Bernie.

784
Oh, listen, Bernie.

785
Thank you. I really appreciate it.

786
Hey, you.

787
So, tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Good surprise or nasty surprise?

788
- Good surprise. - Oh, you're such a liar.

789
She hates surprises. Hey, what areyou gonna order?

790
- Huh? - From him. What are you gonna order?

791
Um, I haven't decided yet.

792
Oh, well, don't overdo it.

793
I don't want people saying, "There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend. "

794
I should leave.

795
This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with.

796
I'm so sorry.

797
I don't know...

798
what to say.

799
Well,

800
I think, um,

801
"good-bye" is traditional.

802
I can think of younger days

803
When living for my life

804
Was everything

805
A man could want to do

806
I could never see

807
Tomorrow

808
I was never told

809
About the sorrow

810
And

811
How can you mend

812
A broken heart

813
How can you stop the rain from falling down

814
Tell me how can you stop

815
That old sun from shining

816
What makes the world

817
Go round

818
- And - Come on.

819
- How can you mend - Open up.

820
This is me. Spikey.

821
I'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations.

822
Come on. Hit me with it.

823
- There's this girl- - Aha.

824
See, I been getting a female vibe. Good.

825
Speak on, dear friend.

826
She's someone who...

827
can't be mine, and, uh,

828
it's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.

829
I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside.

830
Mmm.

831
Yeah.

832
Tricky.

833
I knew a girl at school called Pandora.

834
Never got to see her box, though.

835
Right.

836
Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.

837
You didn't know she had a boyfriend?

838
No. No.

839
Why? Did you?

840
Bloody hell. I don't believe it.

841
My whole life ruined because I don't read Hello magazine.

842
Let's face facts. This was always a no-win situation.

843
Anna's... a goddess.

844
You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.

845
- Buggered, is it? - Every time.

846
But don't despair. I think I have the solution to your problems.

847
- Really? - Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa,

848
and she works in the contracts department.

849
The hair, I admit, is unfashionably frizzy,

850
but she's bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row.

851
Apparently.

852
Now... try.

853
I got completely lost.

854
It's very difficult, isn't it? Everything's got the word "Kensington" in it.

855
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden. Kensington bloody Park Garden.

856
- Tessa, this is Bella,my wife. - Hello.

857
- You're in a wheelchair. - That's right.

858
And this is William.

859
- Hello, William. - Hi.

860
- Max has told me everything about you. - Has he?

861
Oh, yes. You are a naughty boy.

862
- Wine? - Oh, yes, please.

863
Come on, Willie. Let's get sloshed.

864
- Red or white? - Red.

865
Keziah.

866
- Some woodcock? - No, thank you. I'm a fruitarian.

867
Ah.

868
What is a fruitarian, exactly?

869
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings,

870
so we think cooking is cruel.

871
We only eat things that have fallen from the tree or bush,

872
that are, in fact, dead already.

873
Ah. Oh, right.

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