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美国派
American Pie

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CD

1
Ahh! Ohh!

2
- Ohh. - Oh, yeah.

3
Ohh, you're so good.

4
Ohh, yes. I am the best, baby.

5
- Oh, yeah! - Oh. Oh, that was a tit.

6
That is a tit! Yes!

7
Oh, you're so big!

8
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.

9
Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone.

10
Oh, yeah! I'm bone smuggling, baby.

11
Man, would you shut up!

12
Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

13
Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.

14
Kiss good night.

15
- Something wrong with the reception? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.

16
There's-- There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch.

17
And the birds are all scrambled and I can't even--

18
Do me! Yes!

19
Baby! Ride me like a pony!

20
The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something.

21
- Getting ready for bed, son? - Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.

22
No! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.

23
- Illegal-- Illegal channels? - This is just bad reception, honey.

24
-Oh, spank my hairy ass! - What's that?

25
Ooh, baby!

26
You know what? Here. Just give me this, please--

27
- Oh, my God! - And let's get this-- Ohh!

28
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's the matter with this thing?

29
Yes!

30
Illegal channels? Shit!

31
If there's any channel that should be illegal...

32
it's that "all-woman's" channel.

33
Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit.

34
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?

35
- No. - Ariel, man. She's so hot!

36
- She's a mermaid, dude. - Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.

37
Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We got to go. It'll be great.

38
Why? All that happens at Stifler's parties...

39
is people get drunk and do it.

40
Yeah.

41
Now, come on, Kevin. Open it.

42
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.

43
If you think so, just open it.

44
Fine.

45
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting list...

46
for the past couple of months, we've decided that you are now rejected."

47
Shut up!

48
- You got in. - Yes! I love you!

49
Okay.

50
Hey, you think I should wear this shirt to Stifler's party?

51
You've worn that shirt for, like, three days in a row, man!

52
Guys. She said it.

53
- Said what? - She said she loves me.

54
- Holy shit, dude! The "L " word? - Oh, man!

55
Cornell's not that far from "U" of "M."

56
Yeah, it's only, like, seven hours.

57
Oh, and you get to drive across Canada.

58
- Beautiful country. - Whatever. It's doable.

59
Wh-What we should do today, in band.

60
Instead of playing our instruments regularly...

61
we should play them backwards.

62
- That'll be so funny! - Yeah.

63
No offence, but you're talking about a post-high school...

64
long-distance relationship.

65
And you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.

66
That's not why we're going out.

67
What do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

68
We're gonna have sex when he's ready and I'm ready.

69
It's got to be completely perfect.

70
I want the right time, the right moment, the right place--

71
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex.

72
- Finch. - Here's the man we are looking for.

73
- Gentlemen. - What's going on, buddy?

74
Same ol'--

75
Finch. You got the Latin homework?

76
Oh.

77
It means, "My dog ate it." It's Latin. It's a joke.

78
- It's a Latin joke. - Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.

79
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino. - What?

80
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino. It's not coffee.

81
'Nova!

82
What's up, dude?

83
You coming to the party tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?

84
Uh, depends if my date wants to stop by.

85
- I'm working on something new. - I got an idea about something new.

86
How about you guys actually locate your dicks...

87
remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them!

88
Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a college chick.

89
Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight.

90
I'll look for you in the no-fucking section.

91
All right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.

92
Breath check.

93
Thank you.

94
I wish you wouldn't do that.

95
So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight?

96
This is a foolproof plan, my friend.

97
I have a serious question to ask you guys. Okay.

98
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick? She might be there tonight.

99
Now, do you think she would prefer...

100
laid-back Jim...

101
or...

102
cool, hip Jim?

103
I don't think it really matters with that shirt you're wearing.

104
What? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the one with the girlfriend...

105
and you're still stranded on third base.

106
Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay?

107
- You're still just a batboy. - Batboy. Batboy.

108
What are you talking about?

109
Guys, uh--

110
What exactly does third base feel like?

111
You wanna take this one?

112
Like warm apple pie.

113
- Yeah? - Yeah.

114
- Apple pie, huh? - Uh-huh.

115
McDonald's or homemade?

116
Gentlemen, destiny awaits.

117
That's number five and six for the Stif-meister!

118
Yeah.

119
Oops!

120
- Holy! - H-Hey!

121
Nadia! Buenos dias. Glad you could make it.

122
I'll be back for you later.

123
- Another party sultan! - How ya doing?

124
Welcome to Stifler's Palace of Love, fellas.

125
- The keg's back there! Enjoy! - Yeah.

126
Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you. Glad you could make it.

127
Haha, bitches!

128
- Sherman! - Hey!

129
What the fuck are you doing here?

130
Fellas! What's going on?

131
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh, scoping the babes.

132
- Indeed! Some fine ladies here, boys. - Uh-huh.

133
Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high.

134
Sherman is moving to DEFCON 2.

135
Full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

136
You have something going tonight, Sherman?

137
You see that Central chick, Bernette?

138
- Um, no. - No.

139
She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me.

140
Fellas, it's time she experienced... the Shermanator.

141
Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.

142
I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...

143
to change the future for one lucky lady.

144
- Go get 'em, tiger. - I'll be back!

145
- Hopeless. - Completely.

146
- Hi. - Hey, Vic.

147
Oh, shit. Guys-- Guys--

148
There's Nadia and she just looked at me.

149
- She just looked at me. - Well, why don't you go talk to her?

150
Yeah.

151
Yeah, you're right, Kev. I should just go talk to her.

152
Yeah, I could do that. Sure.

153
Sure.

154
Kev? Kev? Ke--

155
Yeah. Yeah.

156
That's great!

157
See ya later.

158
We're here for the party.

159
What party? There's no party.

160
Weird. Try the house down the street.

161
So, what's your major?

162
Post-modern feminist thought.

163
Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?

164
Sure.

165
Yeah, it's just something about the springtime that's just cool, you know?

166
Like the smell of fresh rain or something.

167
Suck me, beautiful.

168
What did you just say?

169
Suck me, beautiful.

170
My friends call me "'Nova," as in Casanova.

171
That's pathetic.

172
Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

173
Well, there's just some things you need to learn, that's all.

174
- Like what? - Well, you've got to tone it down.

175
You don't need to come to a place like Lookout Point...

176
and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.

177
- Okay. - You have to pay attention to a girl.

178
Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.

179
Come on, Casanova. I'll take you back to your friends.

180
Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?

181
- Tonight? - Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.

182
I mean, it's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?

183
Damn, my farts fucking stink!

184
Dude, you gotta take a shit! You smell like a Yeti!

185
Or not.

186
Just relax.

187
You actually said that?

188
Shut up!

189
You did a hell of a lot better than I did with Nadia.

190
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great. That's really reassuring.

191
Hey, no problem, 'Nova.

192
Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore. I'm a-- I'm a fraud.

193
You guys are pathetic.

194
I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

195
"Suck me, beautiful"!

196
- Let me know. - Okay.

197
Keep going.

198
I should be able to talk to girls.

199
I'm articulate.

200
You know, I got a 720 on my S.A.T. verbal.

201
Bullshit. There's no way.

202
I kid you not, man. Look. Listen.

203
- Copious. Verisimilitude. - Mmm.

204
Oh, ohh. Now.

205
Ohh.

206
Suck me, beautiful!

207
- Damn it, Stifler. - Checkout time!

208
- Please, vacate the room. - You are such a jerk.

209
God, I can't believe how many cool people are at this party.

210
Yup.

211
And you got a keg too!

212
- Wow! - Indeed.

213
Oh, wait. I left my beer downstairs.

214
No. No. Here, babe!

215
Thanks.

216
You're really beautiful. Oh--

217
- Really? - Oh, yeah.

218
You know what? I don't know if I want to be doing this.

219
- Doing what? - You know, if we hook up tonight...

220
tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling all your friends about.

221
No way!

222
Steve, you could at least look at me when you say that!

223
Look. Sarah...

224
l-- I wouldn't go telling stories or anything about you.

225
I promise. So, just... relax...

226
take it slow... and let the good times roll.

227
- Okay. - All right.

228
What's wrong?

229
What's wrong? What is it?

230
Xenophobic.

231
Oh!

232
- Regurgitation. - I know that one.

233
- Kevin likes it. - He likes getting head.

234
Gee, what a total shocker. What about you, Vicky?

235
I mean, h-have you just never had one with Kevin...

236
or have you never had one, period?

237
I've had one.

238
- I think. - Okay.

239
That's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex.

240
You tell me you never even had one manually?

241
I've never tried it.

242
You've never double-clicked your mouse?

243
Ha-ha, nice!

244
Jesus! Stifler, how much did you drink, man?

245
Hey, Stifler? How's the pale ale?

246
- Fuck you! - Ooh, whoo!

247
- That's Stifler's mom? - Yup.

248
Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman like this produced a guy like Stifler.

249
- Dude, that chick's a "MILF." - What the hell is that?

250
- M-l-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck. - Yeah, dude!

251
Oh-ho, yeah!

252
- Yeah! MILF! MILF! - Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.

253
- Come here. - Sherman, what's going on?

254
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas could try a little tact?

255
I got company, if you know what I mean?

256
She's hot!

257
If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

258
Sherman? The Shermanator?

259
Come on, man.

260
MILF! MILF!

261
MILF! MILF! Dude, hey, dude. What are you doing to her, dude?

262
Oh, my God, bro, dude.

263
Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.

264
That's nice. Really, really nice.

265
- Can I have a ride? - Sure.

266
- Vicky, wait. - Not for you.

267
Yeti! I am the Yeti!

268
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Finch.

269
Where were you last night, huh?

270
What happened to that foolproof plan of yours?

271
Well, I was going for a fashionably-late entrance and I was too late.

272
So, no ladies left.

273
It was a very special night, very special.

274
Guys. Guys.

275
- I'll never forget this. - Oh, I'll never forget it, either.

276
Thank you.

277
- Well, bye. - Bye.

278
Bye.

279
Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy.

280
I... am now a man.

281
I highly recommend you join the club.

282
We were doing the wild thing... all night. I'm exhausted.

283
I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that?

284
It was just my time. It was just my time.

285
Best of luck to you boys.

286
- I cannot believe this. - Come on, guys.

287
You know, we should be happy for Sherman.

288
No, we shouldn't be.

289
You know, I put in months of quality time with Vicky.

290
Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores.

291
- This is just wrong. - No shit.

292
How the hell am I supposed to become Mr. Sensitive Man?

293
You know, we're all gonna go to college as virgins. You realize this, right?

294
I mean, they probably have special dorms for people like us.

295
All right. I got an idea. But it's got to stay between us.

296
It's really simple. We just got to make an agreement.

297
Er, nah. It's-- It's more than an agreement.

298
- What? A bet? - A pact.

299
No money involved. More important than any bet.

300
Here's the deal. We all get laid before we graduate.

301
Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.

302
Think about when you workout, Oz. You gotta have someone there, right?

303
Someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated.

304
Well, that's exactly what we can do for each other.

305
I mean, we'll be there to keep each other on track.

306
Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable, but together...

307
we are the masters ofour sexual destiny.

308
Their tiger-style kung fu is strong.

309
But our dragon-style will defeat it.

310
Guys!

311
The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite!

312
- Fight, and find out who is number one. - Guys!

313
Come on. You're ruining my moment here. This is our very manhood at stake.

314
We must make a stand, here and now.

315
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused!

316
We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be.

317
This is our day. This is our time.

318
And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy.

319
- Amen. Yes. - I like that.

320
- We will make a stand. We will succeed. - 'Bout time!

321
- We will get laid! - Yeah! Yeah!

322
Now, the sex: It's got to be valid, consensual sex.

323
No prostitutes. That's what you're thinking, Finch.

324
Busted.

325
So, basically, prom is our last chance.

326
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks. - I know...

327
but you gotta think about it this way.

328
I mean, all the parties afterwards? The chicks are going to want to do it.

329
Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's, like tradition or something.

330
The Rose Bowl.

331
- So, that gives us-- - Exactly three weeks to the day.

332
We're gonna do this.

333
- All right, to the next step! - Next step!

334
Next step!

335
Well, did you get the flowers?

336
Don't worry. You'll get her back soon enough.

337
- You think so? - Sure, she likes you.

338
- Well, I like her too. - Do you love her?

339
Um, you know what? You can't really ask me that.

340
Well, if you want to get her in the sack...

341
just tell her you love her.

342
- That's how I was duped. - Look, Jessica...

343
l-I don't want to dupe her.

344
All right. What you need to do...

345
is learn how to press a girl's buttons.

346
You have to give her what she's never had.

347
- What's that? - Let me give you a hint.

348
Ohh, Kev! Uhh. Yeah.

349
- 䁖mprende? - You mean an orgasm.

350
- You got it, stud! - Well, you know...

351
I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've... given her a--

352
- No, you haven't. - Well, there was one time--

353
- No. - Oh, man.

354
Look, kid, it's up to you. The big "L " or the big "O."

355
Dickhead!

356
- You gotta see this. - Do you believe in

357
Magic In a young girl's heart

358
How the music can free her whenever it starts

359
And it's magic if the music is groovy

360
- It makes you feel happy - What did you cocks do to him?

361
I'll tell you about the magic It'll free your soul

362
But it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll

363
Great. See you next time.

364
- Hey, guys. Came to watch me in action? - Yeah.

365
- l-I think you sounded pretty good. - Yeah, man.

366
I think you need your balls reattached.

367
- Hey, keep it down, dude. - What the fuck are you doing here?

368
This place is an untapped resource.

369
I mean, check it out.

370
These vocal jazz girls are hot.

371
Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late?

372
Maybe he's preparing for another senior year at East?

373
You guys, we don't even know him.

374
You dipshit!

375
You're expecting to score with some...

376
goody-goody choirgirl priss?

377
These chicks don't know me. I can work the sensitive angle here, fellas!

378
You know, it's just like that college chick told me.

379
All that you gotta do is just ask 'em questions...

380
and listen to what they have to say and shit.

381
I don't know, man. That sounds like a lot of work!

382
Uh, just a second!

383
Come in. Come in.

384
Oh, Jim, you're here.

385
Uh, I was just walking by your room and uh--

386
And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy, it's been a long time since we've had...

387
a little father-son, uh-uh, chat."

388
Oh! I almost forgot. l, uh, I bought some magazines.

389
Do you just want to flip to the centre section?

390
Well, this is the-- this is the, uh, female form.

391
And they have focused on the breasts...

392
uh, which are used primarily to, uh, feed young infants...

393
- and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay. - Right.

394
This is, uh-- This is Hustler.

395
And this is a much more exotic magazine.

396
Now, they have decided to focus on the, uh, pubic region--

397
- Right. Uh-huh. - The whole groin area.

398
Look at the expression on her face. You see that? See what's she's doing?

399
She's kind of looking right into your eyes saying...

400
"Hey, big boy. Hey, how ya doing?"

401
- You see? - Right.

402
Shaved is a magazine I'm not too familiar with...

403
but, again, if you flip to the centre...

404
section--

405
Well, you see the detail that, uh, that they go into in this picture here.

406
It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...

407
- underwater... thing. - Yeah. Yes.

408
- Do you know what a clitoris is? - Oh, my God.

409
- Well, don't say, "Oh--" - Yes, I know what a clitoris is.

410
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do. I forgot you've been there and back.

411
- You know everything-- - I've learned about it in Sex Ed--

412
I really don't need you to talk about clitoris.

413
You know what? I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.

414
No-no-no.

415
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

416
I shouldn't have got hot there.

417
Well, you know what I'm going to do, Jim.

418
I'm going to just leave these books here...

419
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh-- at your leisure.

420
Wait!

421
Well, safer than a tube sock.

422
- Okay, that-- That was good. - Yeah.

423
- See you at dinner. - Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.

424
So, Finch, this is your plan?

425
You know, I don't think girls are into the whole mini-golf thing.

426
Kevin, I'm sure that they're not.

427
Actually, there is one small matter that I need to ask for your cooperation in.

428
In the spirit of this whole pact, you know?

429
Sure, what do you need?

430
Whatever you hear about me, you agree. And tell all the boys the same thing.

431
Look, I gotta go. Sixteen minutes round-trip.

432
You know, Finch, it's-- it's senior year.

433
I mean, don't you think it's time you learned how to take a dump at school?

434
When was the last time you looked at the facilities in this school?

435
Excuse me.

436
Uh, that's Paul Finch, right?

437
Yeah.

438
Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right?

439
Uh, yeah.

440
So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true?

441
You know, that he's... equipped.

442
I have no idea. Finch showers with his bathing suit on.

443
I mean, uh--

444
As a matter of fact, it is true. The guy's huge!

445
- Does he have a date for the prom yet? - No, definitely not.

446
All right. Thanks.

447
Oh, man!

448
So I was thinking maybe you could give me some advice, brother to brother.

449
I thought you might know a trick or something to make her--

450
Orgasm?

451
- Yeah. - What's good here?

452
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll. - What?

453
How do you do that?

454
Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.

455
Is that all that you're interested in, trying to get your girl into bed?

456
No, it'd be good to be able to, you know, return the favour.

457
Be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.

458
See that? That's good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.

459
Qualify for what?

460
My man, you've just inherited the Bible.

461
It originally started as a sex manual...

462
this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam.

463
And each year it got passed on to one East student who was worthy.

464
Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years.

465
But you have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year.

466
All right. So now you know. Good luck.

467
- If you believe in magic - Ooh, magic

468
Don't you bother to choose

469
If it's jug band music or rhythm and blues

470
Just go and listen It will start with a smile

471
That won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try

472
Your feet start tapping

473
And you can't seem to find how you got there

474
Do you believe in magic

475
Scooby-dooby doo bah

476
Scoo-Scooby-dooby Dooby-dooby doo bah

477
Yeah, magic

478
What was that?

479
- Uh, sorry. - No, it was good.

480
Well, it, uh-- It came from the heart.

481
Well, keep it coming. All right, people, good work!

482
Now, don't forget. The state competition's a couple of weeks away...

483
so keep on it, okay?

484
Not bad, Chris.

485
Really?

486
Thanks, uh, Heather, right?

487
Yeah.

488
So, you've got this sort of Frank Sinatra thing going on.

489
Right. I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me.

490
I mean, uh, music is so expressive.

491
Okay. I mean, I agree, but...

492
aren't you supposed to be out, like, trying to decapitate someone...

493
- with your lacrosse stick or something? - Oh, sure. Sure.

494
You know, I know what people think. It's like...

495
"Oz, he's just this kick-ass lacrosse player."

496
You know, I also play football, by the way, but that's, like...

497
- that's not all that I am, you know? - Of course, I didn't--

498
I mean, it really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.

499
You?

500
You think I don't get that?

501
God, it's like just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend...

502
that people say, "Oh, look. There's this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss."

503
Yeah. So, like, what else do you do?

504
Well, the same things you do...

505
like hang out with friends and stuff.

506
- Why? What do you think I do? - Oh, l--

507
I just realized that I don't know anything about you.

508
- I was interested. - Oh, well, what do you want to know?

509
You know, stuff... about you.

510
All right.

511
Mom, I'm home!

512
Oh, yeah. Oh!

513
- Jim! - It's not what it looks like.

514
Well, we'll just tell your mother that, uh-- that, uh--

515
we ate it all.

516
Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.

517
- Nice game. - Nice game. Good game.

518
Hey, what are you doing here?

519
Just enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience.

520
- You kicked butt. - Oh, thanks.

521
- Um, Chris-- - Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.

522
- Do I have to? - You can call me Ostreicher.

523
- What's your middle name? - Nah, forget it.

524
- Come on. I won't tell anyone. - Well, neither will I.

525
Okay. Um.

526
So, I had this thought and--

527
It may seem like it's way out of left field.

528
I don't know if you can...

529
but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--

530
Those guys sucked ass!

531
Choir chick, what the hell are you doing here?

532
Well, uh, I was asking Chris to prom.

533
So, do you want to go?

534
Oh, yeah! That would be great.

535
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo!

536
Stifler, fuck! I mean--

537
Why do you got to be so insensitive all the time?

538
What?

539
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget. My cottage after prom.

540
On Lake Michigan.

541
Hey, wait up, you pussies. Where you going?

542
Ah, well, I gotta-- I gotta hit the showers now...

543
but I think this is gonna be really, really good.

544
- Yeah. Me too. - All right.

545
- Bye. - Bye. Bye.

546
- 'Appening Oz! - Working with the choir chick?

547
What d'ya say, fellas? I just dig those cute little sweaters she wears.

548
Nuts you do, you little horn dog.

549
Yeah! Yeah, baby!

550
Spank me! Spank me! Hit that high "C."

551
Come on! What's going on here?

552
I was being selfish and majorly insensitive.

553
I'm a-- I'm a total idiot. I mean, a fool, a buffoon.

554
I think shithead really says it.

555
You know what? You're right. I'm a shithead...

556
and I want to make it up to you.

557
Oh, yeah? How?

558
Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.

559
- Kevin, don't stop! - Just a second.

560
Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper?

561
Holy shit!

562
Shh. You know there's no lock on your door?

563
Ohh! I'm coming! I'm coming!

564
- Oh, Jim! - Dad.

565
Hi, I was just looking at the old family portrait out here.

566
Well, that was a fun day wasn't it?

567
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

568
Jim, I want to talk about masturbation.

569
Now, I just want you to know that it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing.

570
And I have to admit, uh, you know.

571
I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger.

572
l, uh-- I used to call it "stroking the salami."

573
Yeah, you know, "pounding the ol' pud."

574
I never did it with baked goods.

575
But you know your Uncle Mort?

576
He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

577
See, it's like, uh, practice for the big game.

578
You see? It's like-- It's like...

579
banging a tennis ball against a brick wall.

580
Which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

581
- Right. No. - It's not a game.

582
What you want is you want a partner to return the ball.

583
- Do you want a partner? - Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.

584
- You do want a partner? - Oh, I want a partner.

585
- Want a partner. Good. Good. - Of course.

586
Good.

587
So, once Hal becomes king, he has to take on...

588
the responsibilities of leadership and turn his back...

589
on his old, drunken friend, Falstaff.

590
You see, Hal is going through a... rite of passage, much like you all are.

591
So make most of the time you've got left together. You'll miss it later.

592
So, does your tongue cramp up?

593
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though. - Wow.

594
That's amazing. She's probably gonna want to do it soon.

595
All right. Class dismissed.

596
Still questing after the Holy Grail, huh, guys?

597
Hey, uh, where's Finch?

598
Oh, he went home to take a shit.

599
I don't get it. I just don't.

600
How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?

601
- What reputation? - Observe.

602
Ex-Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch is?

603
Yeah! He's the guy with the tattoo, right?

604
You know, the eagle and the blazing fire and that stuff.

605
Well, um, if you guys see him later, will you tell him Courtney says hi?

606
Bye.

607
Okay. Explain.

608
I can't. I don't know how he's doing it.

609
l, uh-- I guess that just leaves Jim trailing.

610
- Aw, Jimbo! - Better sack up, buddy!

611
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it, all right?

612
James?

613
You are very good in the world history class, yes?

614
Me? Y-Yes. No, uh--

615
Yes, I am.

616
Perhaps you could help me with my studies.

617
Uh, yeah. Absolutely.

618
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be-- That would be great sometime.

619
- How about tomorrow? - Well, I have ballet practice.

620
Perhaps I could come by your house afterwards?

621
I could change clothes at your place.

622
Oh. Uh... yeah.

623
I suppose that would be okay. Sure.

624
Nice car!

625
- I'm glad you think so. - You don't like it?

626
No, I like the car. By the way, though, about prom?

627
That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.

628
- What are you talking about? - Please.

629
I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with.

630
But you are just a jock. No, wait. You're a jerk.

631
Wait! I don't understand.

632
I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.

633
Heather, I wasn't making fun of you.

634
Gimme a break. You're so full of it.

635
Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house.

636
And you're not gonna do anything about that?

637
What am I gonna do, huh? Broadcast her over the Internet?

638
- Yeah. - You can do that?

639
No. I cannot do that to her.

640
Jim, get some fucking balls.

641
If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick...

642
how you gonna sleep with one?

643
I don't like the kid, but he's got a point.

644
See, even shit-brick knows you should do it.

645
All you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the 'Net...

646
and tell me the address.

647
You can send me the address too.

648
I'll save you a seat.

649
How sweet it is to be loved by you, by you

650
I needed the shelter of someone's arms

651
Someone's arms

652
- There you were - You were, oh

653
I needed someone who understands

654
My ups and downs

655
There you were

656
Okay, that was good, but I want to thicken-up that solo.

657
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.

658
Yeah, I know, my timing's off.

659
No, it's not that. I think it'll work better as a duet with a tenor part.

660
I'll do it.

661
- Dick. - I'll do it.

662
Great. See you tomorrow.

663
- Why are you doing this? - 'Cause I want to.

664
Yeah? Well, you can't fake this.

665
You better practice.

666
Come in.

667
Jim? There's a, uh-- a young lady here to see you.

668
- Hey, Nadia. - Hi, James. Ready to study?

669
Oh, he's always ready to study. He's a real bookworm, this kid.

670
Dad.

671
That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--

672
Dad!

673
Well, I-- I'll let you two hit the books.

674
You want a beer?

675
- Oh, there we go. - Come on, move!

676
Steve! It's my computer! And I wanna use it!

677
Shut up!

678
Oh, you need to-- You need to change, right?

679
- Uhh, do you mind? - No. N-No, not at all.

680
Uh, please, you know. Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.

681
I, uh-- I'll go downstairs and start studying up.

682
- Yeah. - Okay.

683
- Oh-- - All right, there he goes.

684
Now, we're in business.

685
- Back in a sec. - Jimmy, honey, wh--

686
Ah, here she is.

687
- Did I miss anything? - No. You are just in time.

688
- Oh. Ohh! - This is incredible.

689
Oh, my God! This is too much.

690
Oh, did you see? Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.

691
God bless the Internet.

692
- Ai-yi-yi. - Do it. Take it off.

693
- Oh, my God. - Ohhh!

694
Oh, thank you, God, for this wonderful, wonderful day.

695
She takes her vitamins.

696
Stop hyperventilating.

697
This is, like, the coolest thing I've ever seen.

698
I know.

699
Can you believe-- This is definitely one of Stifler's best ideas ever.

700
What is she-- She's touching my stuff.

701
- Why is she touching my stuff? - Man, let her touch.

702
- She's going through my stuff! - Nadia can touch anything she wants.

703
- Oh. - Oh, no. Oh, no.

704
- No, no. - Oh, nice collection there, Jim.

705
She's gonna leave. She's definitely gonna--

706
She's getting comfortable. She's not gonna leave.

707
She reads the articles.

708
Is she?

709
She's going downstairs.

710
- Oh, my God! - Jackpot, baby!

711
Can you believe this? I have an announcement that I would like to make.

712
There is a gorgeous woman... masturbating on my bed!

713
Thank you, Nadia!

714
If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.

715
What am I supposed to do, Kev?

716
Seduce her.

717
Wha-- What the hell would I say?

718
Go over there and ask her if she needs an extra hand.

719
That's stupid, Kev. I can't--

720
That's not stupid! You're stupid if you don't go!

721
Come on! Get over there!

722
- Get going, man. She's prime. - Get out of here!

723
- She's waiting for you. - Okay, all right. I'm going.

724
- Go! Go! - I'm going!

725
- Go! Go! Go! Go! - Oh, shit.

726
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

727
Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, crap. Oh, no.

728
Hello?

729
Looks like Jim addressed the e-mail wrong.

730
What?

731
It went out to every mailbox in the East High directory.

732
God, how juvenile.

733
Hey, hey, hey, guys!

734
- Baby - Check this out! Oh, my God! Wow!

735
Please, God, let this be it.

736
Please?

737
S-Somebody's going in there.

738
Here you go. That's what you need to do.

739
- That guy's in my trig class. - Oh, no.

740
Looks like you could use an extra hand.

741
Jim!

742
- Well-- Oh, God. - Shame on you.

743
Yeah, shame on me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

744
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go. - Well...

745
you have seen me.

746
Now, it's my turn to see you.

747
Strip!

748
- Strip? - Slowly.

749
Uh, you mean, like, strip strip?

750
For me.

751
What is he talking to her about?

752
Uh, no idea.

753
Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.

754
Perfect!

755
- Move, James! Move! - Yeah, yeah. Move.

756
Go, trig boy! It's yer birthday!

757
- No! No. No. - Please, God.

758
What's going on?

759
- Yes! - All right. Get in the mix!

760
- See there. - Oh, okay.

761
- This is disgusting. - What the fuck is this?

762
Cut it out, man!

763
Yeah.

764
Freak.

765
Did not just take out that chair.

766
- Yup, he took out the chair. - More, more, you bad boy!

767
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty, baby. Hyah!

768
Ohh, God!

769
Now...

770
come to me.

771
Oh, yeah.

772
- Here we go. - He's in, man.

773
This just got a hell of a lot better.

774
- Be gentle. - Okay.

775
Jim?

776
- Oh! Oh, no. - Oh, no.

777
- Oh. Ohh! - Lift off aborted.

778
- Houston, we have a problem. - Oh-- Uhh--

779
What happened? What did he do?

780
He blew it.

781
I guess I'll be going now.

782
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia. I've, uh-- I've got reserves.

783
Nadia, please, please. I'm begging you.

784
Well, I do like your dirty magazines.

785
You do? Okay. Well. Um. Did-Did-- Did you see this one?

786
This here is your-- is your more, uh, exotic, risqu?magazine.

787
- He's pulling out the porn. - He's desperate.

788
Jim, just wait till she leaves.

789
Very arousing women. They arouse me--

790
They arouse me very, very much.

791
But, uh-- But not as arousing as you.

792
- Oh, Jim! - Oh, God!

793
Yes!

794
He's ruining daisy! Whoo!

795
So, uh, "shaved" is the expression?

796
Holy shit.

797
- Holy shit! - Holy shit!

798
- H-H-Holy shit! - Touch me, Jim.

799
Here.

800
Oh. Oh.

801
- Again? - Not again.

802
- Not again, man! - Is that possible?

803
What a loser.

804
Hey!

805
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs

806
There you were

807
With sweet love and devotion

808
Deeply touching my emotion

809
I just wanna stop and thank you, baby

810
- Hey, minute man! - Shut up.

811
You know-- You know you're supposed to be supportive.

812
Hey, you think you still got a chance with Nadia?

813
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing on the 'Net.

814
l-I really don't think they liked it.

815
How do you know that?

816
She's already on a plane back home.

817
Yeah.

818
You know, guys? Maybe I'm just not good with girls, period.

819
No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I was born without that part of the brain.

820
I mean, I can't talk to girls.

821
And when I do talk to them, I screw it up.

822
Yeah, well, come prom those excuses aren't going to do you any good.

823
And one time at band camp...

824
we weren't supposed to have pillow fights...

825
but we had a pillow fight, and it was so much fun.

826
A-And this one time, we all lost our music...

827
and we were supposed to play this song...

828
but we didn't know it, so we just made it up and we kept playing and playing...

829
and the conductor didn't know what we were doing, and it was so funny.

830
So, you're pissed about something, huh.

831
You know what I do when I'm angry?

832
I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing.

833
- I learned to do that at band camp. - Hold on, uh--

834
You have no idea why I'm angry?

835
Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky...

836
when I know I have a big test to study for.

837
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it. - I thought so...

838
- because this one time at band camp-- - W-What's your name?

839
- Michelle. - O-Okay.

840
Michelle, um--

841
Do you want to be my date for the prom?

842
Really? You seriously want to go with me?

843
Yes. Seriously.

844
Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards?

845
Because that would be so cool.

846
Sure, whatever you want.

847
Cool! We're gonna have such a good time.

848
It'll be like this one time at band camp when we all had a campfire--

849
Hi.

850
- How'd you know I was here? - Stifler told me.

851
- Talked to Stifler? - Well, I needed to find you.

852
We're gonna have to work on that song.

853
Okay. I'm glad you came by.

854
So you work nights?

855
- My dad's the manager. - Really?

856
Cool. Tell him the subs are great.

857
- So you're going to Michigan next year? - Yeah.

858
My parents want me to go to Northwestern, but...

859
I don't wanna write all those extra essays they make you do.

860
I mean, how am I supposed to know...

861
what my "most emotionally significant moment" was?

862
So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in December, I just said the hell with it.

863
- Onions? - What?

864
You, uh, want onions?

865
Oh, no, thank you.

866
So what are you gonna major in?

867
State's got a good business school...

868
and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.

869
Well, you've probably got it pretty figured out, then, huh?

870
I mean, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome, but...

871
what am I gonna be, a professional lacrosse player?

872
I really have no idea.

873
Thank God. I thought I was the only one.

874
Well, you're not.

875
So we're gonna be close next year.

876
You mean East Lansing and Ann Arbor?

877
Yeah.

878
What are you talking about?

879
I can't go to the prom with you. I'm holding out for someone else.

880
You gotta be fucking kidding me.

881
I know it's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me.

882
Finch. Shit-brick.

883
Oh, gosh. l-I forgot.

884
You look okay.

885
l-I mean, the scars healed really well.

886
- Hey, Stifler. - Eat shit.

887
What was that all about?

888
He's still embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass.

889
Who told you that?

890
What do you mean, "no comment"?

891
- Did you two hook up or something? - What, are you kidding? No.

892
Then how did all this get started?

893
Well, I guess it's all right for me to tell you now.

894
That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. Cheese, please.

895
Finch comes up to me and says, " Jessica...

896
I need your help with this, blah, blah, etcetera."

897
So I said, "All right. Pay me 200 bucks...

898
and I'll tell a couple of girls that you're dynamite in bed."

899
So he did, and I did.

900
- That actually works? - Well, duh! Of course.

901
Naturally, I embellished a little bit.

902
Did you hear that Finch had an affair with an older woman?

903
No, I didn't hear that one.

904
That one was my favourite.

905
Do that cheerleader.

906
- Thank you, baby - She wants me. She calls me up--

907
How sweet it is to be loved by you

908
Oh, my God, you're gay!

909
Sing it with me. You know the words.

910
No, thanks, man. You've been singing that shit all week.

911
If you try that at M.S.U. this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.

912
Our last game is this Saturday.

913
Yeah, well, shit.

914
I've got this lacrosse game. It's really important. It's our last game.

915
Central almost beat us last time, so this time I really wanna kick their ass.

916
But it's gonna be cool, because the game's at State...

917
which means afterwards I'll be able to stop by.

918
So you can't sing at the competition.

919
Heather, I'm sorry. I totally blew it.

920
It's okay. You should... do what makes you happy.

921
All right. Listen, thanks for understanding.

922
Yeah.

923
So, uh, I guess I'll see you later?

924
Mm-hmm.

925
Hey, Kevin.

926
- You seen shit-brick lately? - Why? What did you do to him?

927
Me? Nothing.

928
See, I'm the one whose ass he kicked.

929
But, uh, I'll tell you one thing, though.

930
I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore.

931
Slipped a little something into his mochaccino.

932
Oh, God!

933
Oh! Oh!

934
Jesus.

935
Right this way, sir.

936
Oh, God.

937
Oh, no.

938
It's gonna be fun.

939
You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.

940
You're just saying that because prom's a week away

941
and you don't have a date.

942
No, no, no. I don't want a date.

943
Finch is going stag and... so am I.

944
God, he's like so... refined.

945
You think that older woman thing is true?

946
Yeah, it's true. It was Stifler's mom.

947
Joanie, was that you?

948
- Oh! - Can't hold it.

949
Oh!

950
Eww!

951
Yeah!

952
Kev? I think we've come...

953
- a really long way since homecoming. - Yeah, we have.

954
Maybe it's time...

955
we start to express ourselves in new ways.

956
- Yeah. - You wanna do it?

957
- Yeah. - I love you.

958
It's your turn.

959
That's not what I was thinking.

960
Sex. It's always about sex.

961
It's not always about sex.

962
I just thought it was about sex this time.

963
Look, Vicky, love is a term that gets thrown around...

964
and-and people don't mean it.

965
When I say it, I want it to be more than words.

966
- You know? I want it to be-- - Perfect.

967
Exactly.

968
- Okay, Albert. You ready? - No problemo.

969
I close my eyes at night

970
Come on, Heather. Work with me here.

971
Goal, Ostreicher!

972
- All right, Oz! - Atta boy, Ozzie!

973
Whoo! Yeah, baby!

974
- We're crushing you losers! - Let's go, fellas!

975
Come on! Whoo-hoo!

976
Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee

977
Focus on the music. Think melody.

978
- Let the music be my guide. - That would be a start.

979
Who's the man? Stifler!

980
Huddle up, guys! Huddle up!

981
Huddle up! Come on! Okay.

982
All right, all right!

983
- Good hustle, guys. - Good hustle.

984
But you can still lose. You all saw what happened to Oz out there.

985
I don't want to ever see any of you thinking you're gonna score.

986
You don't score until you score.

987
- Until you score. - That's right, baby!

988
It all boils down to today.

989
For you seniors, this marks the culmination...

990
- of the past four years. - Culmination.

991
I want you to think about what this means to you.

992
Do you guys wanna look back on your days at East...

993
and know that you used the time you had?

994
- Hell, yeah! - You do!

995
- Ah! Good attitude, Ostreicher. - Good luck, fellas.

996
Christ, I didn't tell ya to leave the game.

997
I'm sorry, Coach.

998
You got someplace more important to be, Ostreicher?

999
Yeah.

1000
Ostreicher!

1001
Oz? Fuckface?

1002
Ostreicher!

1003
- Hey, Oz! - Ozmeister!

1004
- Oh, great. - What about the game?

1005
- I'm not playing. - You're missing the game for us?

1006
No, I'm missing the game for you.

1007
D-Does this mean I'm not gonna get to do the duet?

1008
Albert, you suck.

1009
I don't think he's coming back.

1010
Close my eyes at night

1011
Close my eyes

1012
Wondering where would I be without you in my life

1013
Everything I did was just a bore

1014
Just a bore

1015
Everywhere I went seems I been there before

1016
But you brighten up for me all of my days

1017
- With a love so sweet - In so many ways

1018
I just wanna stop

1019
- And thank you, baby - I just wanna stop

1020
- And thank you, baby - Thank you, baby

1021
How sweet it is to be loved by you

1022
Yeah, Oz! You fucking rule!

1023
- Fucking rule! - Yeah!

1024
Maybe the words aren't that important.

1025
It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know?

1026
Even if he can't say it, he does.

1027
And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right?

1028
- He's got a dick. He's a guy. - Right.

1029
Wait. Is this translation right?

1030
"Go home, bird teacher. I've had enough."

1031
I don't know. I got it from Kevin.

1032
- So, does it hurt? - What?

1033
You know-- sex. Does it hurt?

1034
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it, you know, it hurts.

1035
But then you, you do it again and again and again--

1036
It just starts to feel good. Really good.

1037
Okay, so say I don't do it.

1038
And then I go off to college. I might end up doing it with some random guy...

1039
- who totally turns out to be a jerk. - This is true.

1040
And I'll wish I would've done it with Kevin.

1041
So go do it with Kevin.

1042
- You think? - Yeah. You're-- You're ready.

1043
You're woman. Look at you. You're ready for sex.

1044
- You're right. - I know.

1045
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.

1046
And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.

1047
- Perfect sex. - Thanks, Jessica.

1048
Please.

1049
Kevin.

1050
Kevin.

1051
- I wanna have sex. - Now?

1052
Prom.

1053
You must be excited about the big night tonight.

1054
Thrilled.

1055
Who's the lucky girl?

1056
Michelle.

1057
- Michelle. - Yeah.

1058
- She must be very special. - Oh, she's special, all right.

1059
I'm sure she is special if you picked her out of the whole bunch.

1060
Jim, I'm just gonna say one thing...

1061
before you leave tonight.

1062
I want you to be very, very careful...

1063
when you're putting on...

1064
the corsage.

1065
Okay, Dad.

1066
- Promise me. - I promise.

1067
Midnight at the oasis

1068
Send your camel to bed

1069
Shadows painting our faces

1070
Traces

1071
Of romance in our heads

1072
Heaven's holding a half-moon

1073
Shining just for us

1074
Let's slip off to a sand dune

1075
Real soon

1076
And kick up a little dust

1077
Come on Cactus is our friend

1078
He'll point out the way

1079
You know, at band camp we have dances like this...

1080
only they're way funner.

1081
Till the evening ends

1082
Hey, hey, hey Oooh

1083
All right, status check. Where do you guys stand?

1084
Finch, we know where you are, but can't really use that as an excuse.

1085
Jim?

1086
Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork. Does that answer your question?

1087
Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit gonna pay offor what?

1088
Kevin, what's with the attitude?

1089
Attitude? Me?

1090
I think you guys should be a little more enthusiastic.

1091
This is the night we've been waiting for.

1092
We're in this together. You guys can't back out.

1093
Kev, you don't need us to get laid. Are you afraid or something?

1094
No. Come on. We made a pact.

1095
You can't break that. You guys are gonna have to--

1096
Have to what, Kev, huh? I don't have to do shit.

1097
Forget it already. I am so sick and tired of all this bullshit pressure.

1098
I've never even had sex, and already, I can't stand it. I hate sex!

1099
And I'm not gonna stand around here busting my balls over something that...

1100
quite frankly, isn't that damn important.

1101
I'm gonna go hang out with that geek over there...

1102
'cause at least she has something else to talk about besides sex.

1103
Goddamn.

1104
Yeah.

1105
You know, at least I learned how to shit in school, buddy.

1106
Hey, Finch.

1107
- Wanna dance? - Yeah.

1108
Oooh

1109
- How come you have no date? - I like to keep my options open.

1110
I got something for you.

1111
Consider it a consolation prize.

1112
Jessica, this is great! Wow!

1113
Felt sorta guilty about taking your money.

1114
You spent $200 on this?

1115
No, I spent 50 on the flask, 150 on the earrings.

1116
- These are, uh-- - Let me just clarify...

1117
that you have no chance of scoring with me, Finch.

1118
Of course not!

1119
So I take it you and Sherman are pretty close, huh?

1120
You met at that party a while back, right?

1121
Yeah, we were up all night together.

1122
We had one of those amazingly deep conversations...

1123
where you feel like you really get to know someone.

1124
Deep conversation, huh?

1125
Is that what you call it?

1126
What else would I call it?

1127
Thank you, Great Falls.

1128
We're gonna take a little break. You are beautiful.

1129
You suck!

1130
Excuse me, everyone.

1131
Sorry to interrupt.

1132
I just thought you all should know this.

1133
Chuck Sherman is a liar.

1134
I never had sex with him.

1135
He's never had sex with anyone. I know this because he told me.

1136
Once he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's all.

1137
Oh. He also told me that when he gets nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.

1138
Thank you for your time.

1139
- Guess what? - Not interested.

1140
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.

1141
- I'm not going. - What?

1142
Why not?

1143
Look, things didn't really turn out how I wanted them to.

1144
I mean, I don't even know what I'm doing.

1145
l-I'm acting like I've got everything together tonight.

1146
I know that Vicky's gonna ask me if I love her, and...

1147
I don't know what I'm gonna say.

1148
I mean, I'm on the brink.

1149
I'm just about to do it. I should be psyched.

1150
I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am just scared.

1151
Come on, Kev. Tonight is the night.

1152
We-We are finally going to a post-prom party on the lake.

1153
We have been waiting for this for four years.

1154
Why else have we been friends with Stifler all this time, right?

1155
We were friends with Stifler?

1156
Hey, look.

1157
Sherman didn't even get laid.

1158
- He didn't? - No, he pissed himself.

1159
What?

1160
We'll tell you on the bus.

1161
I'm gonna go inside and grab my bag.

1162
My date too, perhaps?

1163
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.

1164
That reminds me of this one time--

1165
Hey, can I ask you a question?

1166
How come you don't have any stories? I've got lots of them...

1167
and you don't have any.

1168
Oh, I've got stories. Believe me. They're just, uh--

1169
They're just a little more risqu?than tales of band camp.

1170
Are they gross or something? Like guy stuff? Tell me!

1171
Okay. You want a story?

1172
Here's a story. Stifler finds this beer--

1173
This is the nicest room in the house.

1174
Kev, it's perfect.

1175
You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya?

1176
Fuckers! Fuckers, fuckers!

1177
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!

1178
- Out. - Aw, come on!

1179
- Get out. - Aw, man!

1180
There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.

1181
What's that?

1182
It's gonna sound really bad, but, uh...

1183
I want you to know.

1184
You see, uh...

1185
I'm a virgin, and, uh--

1186
Well, me, Kevin, Jim and Finch were--

1187
We all made this pact...

1188
that we would lose our virginity...

1189
before high school was over...

1190
and tonight is supposed to be the night that we all do it.

1191
This isn't the best way to proposition me.

1192
No, that's-- That's not what I mean.

1193
W-What I mean is, uh--

1194
Look, do you know what made me leave that game?

1195
See, Coach, he was giving us this speech about...

1196
not slacking off when you see the opportunity to score--

1197
This isn't any better, Chris.

1198
No, you see-- You see, Heather...

1199
what I realized is that...

1200
with you, it's... not like I'm running towards a goal...

1201
looking for the best way to score.

1202
This may sound a little corny, but...

1203
I feel like I've already won.

1204
And, uh, I care about you a lot.

1205
Oz, I know.

1206
- You called me Oz. - Well, yeah.

1207
It's what your friends call you.

1208
I mean, I feel like I'm one of your friends now.

1209
And... your girlfriend?

1210
Are ya lost?

1211
You're Stifler's mom. Uh--

1212
No, no, not lost. Just, um...

1213
you know, taking the tour.

1214
Hey, uh, thank you for letting us have this wonderful party.

1215
As if there was an alternative in the matter.

1216
So, you enjoying yourself?

1217
I'm... three sheets to the wind, ma'am.

1218
I'm so happy for you.

1219
But it takes the edge off, doesn't it?

1220
- Where's your little date tonight? - No date. It was--

1221
It was a bathroom incident.

1222
- Pardon me? - Never mind.

1223
You have anything to drink?

1224
I believe the kegs are upstairs.

1225
That is what the cretins drink.

1226
I'm talking about alcohol, liquor.

1227
- The good stuff. - All right.

1228
I got some scotch.

1229
- Single malt? - Aged 18 years.

1230
The way I like it.

1231
Why don't you go grab a glass from the bar?

1232
I think I should.

1233
Allow me.

1234
You know it's a bitching party.

1235
The Stif-man always comes through in the clutch.

1236
And then he just puked his brains out.

1237
- That is a nasty story. - Yep, I told you.

1238
Do you want to hear a nasty story of mine?

1239
It's sort of sexual.

1240
Yeah! Yeah, let's hear it.

1241
Okay, well, this one time at band camp, we were playing this game.

1242
I don't know if you know it, but it's called "Spin the Bottle."

1243
And I had to kiss this guy named Mark Wander on the lips.

1244
And-And he plays trombone--

1245
So how do you want to be?

1246
Like... how do you want to do it?

1247
I don't know. How do you?

1248
Like... normal style. The missionary position.

1249
Okay.

1250
Kev?

1251
- Yeah? - I wanna hear you say it.

1252
Okay.

1253
Victoria...

1254
I love you.

1255
I love you.

1256
Oh my. Here.

1257
You okay?

1258
Yeah. Go slow.

1259
So the end of the story is you...

1260
had to kiss the guy for 20 seconds.

1261
Yes! And he was such a dork. Everyone laughed at me...

1262
but I didn't care because it was so funny.

1263
I get it.

1264
And this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

1265
Excuse me?

1266
What? You don't think I know how to get myself off?

1267
Hell, that's what half of band camp is-- Sex Ed.

1268
So are we gonna screw soon, 'cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

1269
This'll do. Whoo-hoo!

1270
Ow!

1271
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.

1272
I don't want you coming so damn early this time.

1273
What makes you think that I would come early?

1274
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net. Why do you think I accepted this date?

1275
You're a sure thing.

1276
Yes, I am.

1277
So I said, "This is very obviously a Piero della Francesca."

1278
So, uh, would you object if I said that you were quite striking?

1279
Mr. Finch, are you trying to seduce me?

1280
Yes, ma'am, I am.

1281
Mmm, you're dead.

1282
- I had no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I.

1283
Oh, Finchy. Finch.

1284
- Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa! - Finchy!

1285
Okay, let's go.

1286
What's my name? Say my name, bitch!

1287
Michelle, Michelle.

1288
Oh, God.

1289
That was a great night, huh?

1290
Yeah.

1291
I mean, I just can't believe we had our senior prom.

1292
I know. It went by so fast.

1293
Yeah, it did.

1294
Kevin?

1295
Next year with you going to Ann Arbor...

1296
and me going to Ithaca...

1297
it's not gonna work, is it?

1298
No. Don't say that.

1299
I mean, we could make it work.

1300
- It'll be perfect. - No, Kevin.

1301
But--

1302
See, that's what I've been realizing...

1303
is that... nothing's perfect.

1304
And you can't plan everything.

1305
Well, I guess... you will be pretty far away.

1306
And we'll be on our own, meeting new people.

1307
Last night, though.

1308
I wasn't lying.

1309
I know.

1310
She's gone. Wha--

1311
Oh, my God. She used me.

1312
I was used.

1313
I was used. Cool!

1314
What's this door locked--

1315
Mom, where's--

1316
- Mom? Shit-brick? - Hey, Stifler.

1317
I just gotta say that women...

1318
like a fine wine, only get better with age.

1319
Of course, I have no basis for comparison, but, uh...

1320
it was good.

1321
So you almost made it, huh, Oz?

1322
I'll just say that we had a great night together.

1323
Hang in there, buddy. You'll get there.

1324
You know, guys, I think we're falling in love.

1325
Wha-- Wow.

1326
That's great, man. That's awesome.

1327
Y-You know what the coolest thing is, guys?

1328
This. You know, right now.

1329
It's true. I mean, after this, everything's gonna be different.

1330
After... getting laid?

1331
- After high school. - Here's to the next step.

1332
To the next step.

1333
- To the next step. - To the next step.

1334
Sweetheart?

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