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CD

1
Yes.
2
I'm not kidding.
3
That's where this "class act" brought me.
4
Yeah, you heard me. Hooters.
5
This is the first date I've been on since the divorce...
6
...and the guy brings me to a Hooters.
7
Is Tyler asleep?
8
Yeah! Whoo!
9
- Not all the way. - What's he doing?
10
This T-shirt's on fire!
11
Why is he singing that?
12
Must save planet Earth.
13
No, It's all good.
14
- It's out. - What's out?
15
God, I'm coming home.
16
Intruder alert.
17
Yeah, maybe that's not actually a bad idea.
18
Okay, here's the plan: You're gonna call me in 10 minutes...
19
...so that I can tell this dope I have an emergency.
20
Can you give me my bath now?
21
Make it five minutes.
22
Got you, Buffalo shrimp with the sauce on the side.
23
They'll do that for me here. I didn't know how you took it so...
24
You realize that you're not actually looking at my face right now.
25
Very tight game going on there. I don't wanna miss it.
26
You gotta really swing the ax hard to get those, hits in deep.
27
- Hi, Jim. - Hey, Jim.
28
Hey, Jim.
29
Cheese sticks in the shape of a heart.
30
From me, Bunny, Bethany and Britney.
31
Thank you, Bubbles. That's very nice.
32
- Have fun. - See you.
33
All right.
34
Hey, I noticed that you made eye contact with Boobies...
35
...but I'm not sure it was her eyes you were looking at.
36
So you organize closets for a living.
37
Yes.
38
Is it hard to find people who can't organize their own closets? How does that work?
39
Well, it's not that they can't do it for themselves.
40
It's that they don't have the time or they don't do it efficiently.
41
Did you start with organizing glove compartments...
42
...and just work your way up from there or...?
43
Listen, I'm sorry. I know this is not going well. I, heh...
44
I haven't been on a date in 20 years.
45
I haven't been on a date since senior year.
46
You get married in college?
47
- Yep. - Me too.
48
- Really? - Yes.
49
Is this not the weirdest feeling in the world right now?
50
Like Weird Al starring in Weird Science.
51
Yes. I like that. You just came up with that?
52
Yes.
53
Very good.
54
You know, I think I will have one of these Buffalo shrimp.
55
And I'll have it with the sauce.
56
Excellent.
57
My God.
58
- It's hot. - My God. Who makes sauce this hot?
59
I just...
60
Did you drink my beer?
61
No. No, no. I think you did.
62
Boobies! Buddy! Britney!
63
- Can you get me some water? - Here. Have some French onion soup.
64
You know, I'm curious.
65
With so many possible reasons...
66
...which one's the one your wife left you for?
67
Cancer.
68
I'm sorry. I...
69
...naturally just assumed you were divorced.
70
It's okay.
71
I naturally assumed your husband shot himself.
72
So we're even.
73
I gotta take this.
74
Hello.
75
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down!
76
An avalanche in our backyard?
77
I'll be home right away.
78
It's an emergency. I'm sorry.
79
Twenty dollars should cover my half.
80
He used the emergency excuse on you?
81
Like he's the one that had to escape.
82
Like I'm so horrible.
83
Well, everybody has a bad blind-date story and this loser is yours.
84
Who set you up?
85
One of the mothers in Tyler's class.
86
Every time I see her she tells me about her "friend Jim. "
87
And, "I just have to meet Jim. "
88
Well, she's a liar and an idiot.
89
You should roofie her and shave her head.
90
Dick? Hi.
91
- No, I can talk. I'm just at work. - Great.
92
Ha, ha. I know. I'm so sore.
93
I L word you too.
94
Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.
95
Did you just use the L word with Dick?
96
We said it last night.
97
Jen! That's great! Why didn't you tell me?
98
Well, you know. You finally went on a date and it was so awful.
99
I didn't want to make you feel lonelier than you probably already feel.
100
I'm fine, actually. And I'm not lonely.
101
I have two wonderful men in my life:
102
Brendan and Tyler.
103
Brendan needs a girlfriend and Tyler needs Ritalin.
104
You're suggesting sex and drugs as a remedy for my children's behavior.
105
Aah. My God. this is the dress I've been wanting forever.
106
Ooh.
107
What? No.
108
- Who has that kind of money? - Dick.
109
Try this on. This is a total MILF dress.
110
We don't try on the clients' clothes. It's one of our selling points.
111
"We won't wear your underwear while we're organizing your closets. "
112
I'm just saying.
113
Back to work.
114
I think right at the bottom of this rack, we could fit some more shoes and storage...
115
Jen!
116
Kanye, come and change the baby.
117
North is wet and I don't wanna drop her on camera again.
118
Okay. Take it off.
119
No! Look, this whole rack still has the price tags on.
120
Technically, she hasn't taken ownership yet. And besides, she's at the tennis club.
121
Now, try this on.
122
This dress can change a woman from the kind a man cheats on...
123
...to the kind a man cheats with.
124
I'm gonna go pee.
125
Expensive. Expensive.
126
Ooh, most expensive.
127
Wow. I didn't know you were gonna look that good in it.
128
Honey, what's wrong?
129
I should have tried harder.
130
I should have dressed sexier.
131
You didn't do anything wrong. Mark is a pig.
132
But the kids don't know that.
133
They just...
134
They want us to get back together.
135
And I don't know how to explain it to them.
136
Well, it's time for them to learn that their dad is a big pile of crap.
137
I get so depressed I need to wear high, sexy heels.
138
- Stop jogging. - It helps.
139
It's freaking me out.
140
Look at me. I'm ridiculous.
141
Come here. Come here.
142
- Jen's got you. - Now I see why they call you "Closet Queens. "
143
- Instagram. - Facebook.
144
- Yes! - Yes!
145
It was awful, man. There was no connection at all.
146
I was so happy when you came up with the avalanche thing.
147
- That saved my life. - Ha-ha-ha.
148
And the way she dressed was like an assistant principal or something.
149
I felt like I was in detention.
150
- I got a girl for you. - Yeah?
151
Blond lady. From my belly-dancing class.
152
A little bit on the plus size.
153
But when she gets to moving, all that flapping can make it happen.
154
- No good. - That big girl would hit that Hooters...
155
...like a hurricane. Chicken. Steak. Fries. And a Diet Coke.
156
- All right! Gotcha! - Ha-ha-ha.
157
I'm out, man. No more dating for me.
158
It's time and money I should be spending with my kids.
159
Look who it is.
160
Hey, Larry!
161
My all-star! Give me some.
162
It's Hilary, Dad, which is bad enough.
163
You gonna leave me hanging?
164
Boom. Guess what?
165
The new Kodiak tents just arrived.
166
In time for spring break.
167
We're going camping in our back yard again this year?
168
Why? You too old for that?
169
No. It's just some kids in my class are going to Florida...
170
...or to Colorado or even Switzerland.
171
You got a lot of rich kids in your school.
172
- We don't got that kind of money. - I know. It'd just be nice to go someplace.
173
You know where you could take her that's cheap?
174
My belly-dancing class.
175
Put that away. Seriously.
176
Excuse me, sir? I'm here to pick up my basketball uniform.
177
Did you just call me "sir"?
178
- Yeah. - I'm a girl.
179
That's one fugly girl.
180
Hey, man, that's his daughter.
181
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
182
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
183
Hey, honey, how's the math homework coming?
184
Are any of the tutor's shortcuts helping?
185
Did you go on a date?
186
A date? Who told you I went on a date?
187
You should really change your e-mail password, little Miss 072099.
188
That is the last time I use your birthday as a password.
189
I can't believe you read my e-mails.
190
Brendan, I love you...
191
...but we have to learn to respect each other's privacy in this house.
192
Who's Jim?
193
Nobody, honey. A buffoon.
194
Trust me. It was nothing.
195
- You promise? - Promise.
196
Hey! No wheels in the house!
197
- I've told you this! - Aah!
198
Tackle him, Mom! Get him!
199
Did your dad take you for ice cream on the way home?
200
- Spank him! - Rocky Road and mint chocolate chip!
201
- Take him to the ground! - I'm on top of the world! Goose, goose!
202
- Yeah. - You're dead!
203
No more titty twisters, guys!
204
You only have two titties for the rest of your lives!
205
We need to learn to love and respect them.
206
I always did.
207
How many times have I told you...
208
...not to pump him full of sugar before you drop him off?
209
Come on. Going out with Dad for an ice cream cone...
210
...is a lasting memory for a kid.
211
Okay. Well, if Dad spent more time with him...
212
...then the memories wouldn't have to be so "lasting. "
213
Boom, zing. Got me again.
214
It's so great spending time with you, Lauren.
215
That doesn't go there.
216
What are we gonna do?
217
Man! It's gonna explode in 3, 2...
218
Thank God.
219
That was close. It was almost unorganized for a minute.
220
- Hi. - How are you?
221
Good. Are you going to Tyler's game on Saturday?
222
- Yes! Of course! - Great. I'm putting you down.
223
It's what you do best.
224
On the board, Mark. On the board.
225
Lauren, the boys don't need a board. They don't need a list.
226
The know they can count on me. That's it.
227
Dad, can you help me with my homework?
228
I can't, bud! Sorry! I gotta go to a thing! Ask your mom!
229
This is not an example of my behavior.
230
Did you leave?
231
No, I'll never be that girl again
232
No,
233
My innocence is wearing thin
234
But my heart is growing strong
235
So call me, call me, call me
236
Miss moving on
237
- Larry, wanna shoot some hoops? - Dad!
238
Aah!
239
Stop! Get out!
240
Why wouldn't you knock?
241
I'm sorry, honey! I didn't see anything!
242
Thanks a lot!
243
No, no, no!
244
There was plenty of stuff to see!
245
I mean, I didn't see any gelling going on!
246
- How about a fist bump? - No!
247
Larry, we both need this fist bump.
248
We're cool.
249
Hey, how we doing in here?
250
I'm talking to Mom.
251
Great. What are you guys talking about?
252
It's girl stuff.
253
Okay. Well, just so you know, I'm pretty good with girl stuff too.
254
Excuse me for a second.
255
Thanks, Dad.
256
But I just wanna talk to Mom.
257
Sure, sure.
258
Say hi for me.
259
I'm all out of stickers.
260
You're all out of face. What happened to you?
261
Can I play with Espn now?
262
Espn is having her quiet time.
263
With Invincible Mommy?
264
"Invisible. " Yes.
265
It's not fair only Espn gets to see her.
266
I know.
267
I wish I could see her.
268
Me too.
269
Come here.
270
Mac and cheese?
271
- Mac and cheese. - Yeah!
272
I mean, he's looking around here. Looking for you.
273
You knew it was today. I published the calendar.
274
Laur, the meeting went longer than expected. What do you want from me?
275
You know what? I just want you to be a dad! I can't take it!
276
Why don't you hop over to the snack bar, see if they sell any chill pills.
277
"Chill pills"? Why don't you "bust a move" back to 1990.
278
You're at a baseball game?
279
I'm going on a mystery trip with Dick.
280
That's so great.
281
I have no idea where we're going. He's so much fun.
282
I'm so excited!
283
Now batting, number 23, Tyler Reynolds.
284
Okay! Come on! Go Tyler! Whoo!
285
- Come on, Tyler! - They're putting this kid in?
286
League rule. Every kid has to play two innings.
287
Even kids like him.
288
- You shut your piehole. - I'll kick your ass!
289
- Or I'll stuff my entire fist in your mouth! - Burt Reynolds scrawny reject!
290
Hey, how old is that pitcher? He looks like a NASCAR driver.
291
- Strike! - Come on!
292
It's okay, buddy! Shake it off! It's okay!
293
No. He's not gonna have one of his meltdowns, is he?
294
No. He has two more swings. It's gonna be okay.
295
Okay. I better go now, then. By the way, I need a week off.
296
Yeah, sure. When's the vacation?
297
Two weeks from today.
298
Wait. No. That's not gonna work.
299
Because that's spring break and I've gotta take care of the boys.
300
- Strike two! - Why?
301
It's okay, cutie, you got this!
302
Check out what happens when this kid strikes out.
303
- You have been warned, Ratso! - One more comment and it is go time!
304
- I will crush you! - So checkity check it!
305
I thought Mark was taking the kids whitewater rafting.
306
Shocker. He canceled.
307
Business trip.
308
Now I'm racking my brain trying to figure out how to compete with that.
309
You won't. There's no time.
310
And why should we both stay at home?
311
You are the bestest business partner ever. Heh.
312
- Strike three! - I hate this!
313
I hate this! I hate this! I suck!
314
No.
315
Boy. Here we go again.
316
God.
317
Maybe you should try badminton.
318
- Maybe you should try mouthwash! - And deodorant!
319
- And some testosterone supplement! - And some Cialis!
320
I'm just assuming!
321
And shave your neck!
322
It's very hairy.
323
God.
324
What?
325
No.
326
Damn it.
327
Rip that little loop off the back of your shirt. And Step Three...
328
- Daddy? - Yes.
329
What do you miss about Mommy?
330
What do I miss about Mommy?
331
Everything.
332
I miss her laugh.
333
And her smile.
334
And I miss her little nose that she gave to you.
335
Luckily you didn't get mine. You'd look very weird.
336
- Heh. - Yeah.
337
I miss every time The Wizard of Oz was on.
338
- I love that movie. - I know.
339
She would sing all the songs to us.
340
Especially "Somewhere Over the Rainbow. "
341
You know what I miss most about her?
342
What?
343
Getting to tell her how much I love her.
344
Are you allowed to do that with anyone else?
345
Am I allowed?
346
Your mother, before she left...
347
...that's all she would talk about, was me finding somebody else.
348
But I would tell her I can't because she's my one and only.
349
What did Mommy say?
350
Your mom would say...
351
...my heart is so big that it has room for two.
352
That's another thing I miss about your mother.
353
She actually thought I was awesome.
354
I think you're awesome, Daddy.
355
Thank you.
356
Hey, Dad? Um...
357
I have a personal errand to run, and I need to borrow the car.
358
Well, you can't drive without me yet...
359
...and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters.
360
Dad, I have a personal errand.
361
What does that even mean? You taking a hit out on somebody?
362
Dad, she's monsterating.
363
- What? - I have my period!
364
I forgot you get those.
365
"Tampax Pearls. "
366
Douches. "Fresh Scent. "
367
"Medicated" and "Sweet Romance. "
368
Yeah, let's not be doing the Sweet Romance douches quite yet.
369
"Poise Feminine Wash. "
370
"Poise"? That's a little close, guys.
371
"Always Clean"?
372
I could actually use those.
373
What's a Diva Cup? Is that to make coffee?
374
I don't under...
375
What kind do you guys use?
376
- No! - Hi.
377
Don't tell me.
378
- Lauren. - Lauren.
379
Mr. Hooters.
380
Jim.
381
What's going on in the sweater? Just for the articles?
382
No. These, um, actually are for my son.
383
Wow. What a progressive mother.
384
No. I found a centerfold under his bed, and I tore it up.
385
From a magazine, not the Internet?
386
He's old school. I respect that.
387
Why'd you tear it up?
388
Because as a woman I was totally offended.
389
You don't have to be. It's a normal part of growing up.
390
Okay, but he taped a picture of our babysitter's face on it.
391
Okay, that's sick. He needs help.
392
Borderline Dahmer situation.
393
Very funny. Okay, but if you had kids you'd understand...
394
- Three daughters. - ... it's complicated.
395
You have three daughters?
396
Yes. Do you have any other children, or just the masturbator?
397
He has a younger brother.
398
Maybe you'll do a better job with that kid.
399
I'm just joking. So what, you're here to replace it before the kid finds out?
400
Yes. But I can't tell what magazine it's from. I just...
401
Do you have any of the centerfold remnants?
402
Yes, I do.
403
I, um... I tried to tape it back up.
404
Did a great job. You can hardly tell.
405
Snapper magazine.
406
How can you tell?
407
From the staple placement and the way the paper feels...
408
...and I already have this copy at home. How about a fist bump?
409
- Yep, that's the one. - Great.
410
Excuse me. Actually, I thought of something that might help us both...
411
...to save us some embarrassment.
412
How about I bring that up to the cashier, and you bring this up for me.
413
- Whoa. Are these for your daughter? - Yeah. She's 15.
414
And her "friend" just paid a visit.
415
Okay. Well, these are for a much older "friend. "
416
A much heavier "friend" staying in a much bigger "room"...
417
...than your daughter has.
418
You lost me.
419
You found me.
420
- Can I get a bump? - No.
421
No.
422
Okay. So you will do this.
423
That'll be $13.
424
Hi, I'm Tom.
425
- Here's your change. - Hi, I'm Tom.
426
Yeah, you told me. Next.
427
I remember the Slender Fit days.
428
You must be doing your Kegels.
429
Nowadays, I need six of these taped together.
430
Okay. Moving on.
431
And we got...
432
...that and card.
433
Rocking Saturday night, Lefty?
434
That's not mine. That's for her kid.
435
Ooh, pretty progressive mom.
436
- Yeah. That's what I said to her too. - Why would you do that?
437
- I'm sorry. I'll get you out of it. - What is wrong with you?
438
She just takes her homeschooling real serious, so that's why...
439
We get those back?
440
She's gotta get home to the kid and get him going.
441
- Take care. - Yeah.
442
Hi, I'm Tom.
443
Thanks a lot for selling me out back there.
444
She didn't even hear about...
445
- I panicked. I'm sorry. Here. - I noticed.
446
Thank you.
447
I can't believe you have three girls.
448
- What does that even mean? - I just can't imagine you with three girls.
449
Don't, then.
450
I'm sorry. What are their names?
451
Hilary, Lou and Espn.
452
"Espin. " That's unique.
453
Is it Biblical?
454
No. Named after my favorite network.
455
ESPN.
456
- No. - Yep.
457
- What? - Heh.
458
Pretty cool.
459
My God.
460
Your wife must have been a saint.
461
She was.
462
Your husband must have been very patient dealing with...
463
Another charming sentiment from Captain Cheese Sticks.
464
You know what? Hooters is too good for you. I'd never bring you there again.
465
Well, then I guess I'll just have to learn to get through life without Hooters.
466
You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far!
467
- That doesn't make any sense. - I didn't realize they were that big.
468
Whatever.
469
Guys, unfortunately your dad had a business trip that came up...
470
...so your whitewater rafting trip is gonna get postponed till this summer.
471
- What? - We're stuck here doing nothing all week?
472
I have plans. I have great plans actually.
473
Like what? Bowling and going to the mall?
474
How did you know?
475
- Bet that's Dad! - Maybe he'll take us on his business trip!
476
- Hey. Is your mom home? - What do you mean "Is your mom home"?
477
- Who are you? - I'm Jim.
478
Jim? Jim66@DSG.Com?
479
What is this, Dateline NBC? Yes, you got it right.
480
- What do you want? - I need to talk to your mother.
481
- Not a big deal. - She said she's not interested in you.
482
Believe me, Frodo, I don't like her either. I have to sort something out with her.
483
- Brendan, honey, who's at the...? - Hey.
484
- Jim. - You lied! Liar! You like him!
485
What? I didn't lie, honey. He's a buffoon.
486
- Just like I said. - Don't talk to me!
487
Ever!
488
No, sweetie, come on.
489
- What? - Great.
490
Which one was the masturbator? The big one?
491
Why are you here? What do you want?
492
The old bag at the pharmacy mixed up our cards.
493
That's impossible because I keep my cards very organized.
494
I keep them in color-coded sleeves...
495
All right, I'll give this back to whoever it belongs to. Lauren Reynolds.
496
You know her? Have you met her?
497
God, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
498
Just come in.
499
So wait. How do you know where I live?
500
I Googled you and "Closet Queens" came up.
501
- You're a lesbian? - No.
502
We organize "closets" and we're the best, so we're "queens. "
503
"Closet Queens. "
504
Maybe the picture was confusing me.
505
What picture?
506
Those little weasels.
507
Your girlfriend, like, does she know we went on a date?
508
Is she gonna kill me? She looks nuts.
509
- Lauren! - Well, here she is.
510
- I have to talk to you! - I never touched her. She repulses me.
511
- What? - What?
512
Jen, what's wrong?
513
- It's over between me and Dick. - Over?
514
I thought you don't like dick.
515
But you guys just started using the L word.
516
The L Word. I saw that show. You guys love that one I'm guessing.
517
I'm sorry. Who are you? Are you here to fix something?
518
- You should probably go and do that. - I'm Jim. I'm not a threat.
519
- Jim? - The blind-date guy.
520
- You said that was a disaster. - It was.
521
You said he was a chubby loser.
522
He is.
523
You didn't mention he has that high phlegmy voice like he drinks a lot of dairy.
524
- I know. - Standing right here, ladies.
525
Hearing everything.
526
All right, our cards got switched so we're just dealing with that.
527
What happened with Dick?
528
He just dropped a major bomb on me.
529
He's married.
530
No, worse. He's got kids.
531
You're still here. Why?
532
You still have my card. "Why?"
533
Wait. You're just gonna break up with him because he has children?
534
Five children. Five.
535
What am I, Julie Andrews?
536
I'm gonna sew matching outfits and sing to escape the Nazis?
537
He asked me if I wanted to be "part of the team. "
538
- No, I don't! - Maybe you should just go on the trip...
539
...and, you know, spend some alone time with Dick.
540
See, he wanted the kids to come with us.
541
He wanted me to get to know them in a "fun and neutral environment. "
542
Five kids? Is his last name Theodopolis?
543
- Yes. - That's incredible. That's my boss.
544
He owns all the Dick's Sporting Goods. I manage the one in Ridgefield.
545
Of course you do.
546
Dick takes a lot of special needs people, makes them "managers" of something...
547
...so they can have a business card and feel important.
548
Good for you!
549
That explains it. That explains a lot.
550
You know, actually I applied to work at Closet Queens...
551
...but they said there's already a gorilla filling that position.
552
It's a thyroid thing.
553
- Heh. - Where was he gonna take you?
554
Africa.
555
It was gonna be incredible. Look at that.
556
- Sun, sand, safaris. - Wow.
557
- My God. - He must really like you a lot.
558
Sorry, I'm not getting it at all.
559
Okay. And this concludes our business.
560
Thank you. Africa.
561
So he's just gonna go here all by himself with his kids now?
562
No. He's heartbroken now. Nobody gets to go.
563
Damn it!
564
Why does he have to have joint custody? I thought the mother always got the kids.
565
I mean, this is a week away. I hope he gets his money back.
566
- A week out? Not a chance. - Aah!
567
Well, maybe they do things differently in Africa.
568
I forgot you were an expert at closets and African refund policies.
569
Okay. Kick him out. Don't let him talk to you like that.
570
- Get out. - I'm leaving.
571
Jen. My boys would give anything to go on a vacation like this.
572
Mr. Theodopolis. Hi. It's Jim Friedman.
573
I don't mean to be a vulture picking on the carcass of your dead relationship.
574
But I wonder...
575
...if you'd sell me the vacation...
576
...you were gonna go on with Freddy Krueger's sister?
577
I have been saving and saving. I could never give him full value for it...
578
...but something's better than nothing, right, sir?
579
It would just be the three of us.
580
It would just be the four of us so we only need one room.
581
My God. Wait until I tell the boys.
582
Wait till I tell the girls!
583
We're going to Africa!
584
Welcome to Africa
585
Welcome, welcome
586
I can't believe we're here.
587
This is pretty cool, Mom.
588
Yeah.
589
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome
590
So I did good? This is better than, like, bowling and the mall?
591
Yeah.
592
- Welcome, welcome - Africa!
593
Thank you so much. Thank you. This is terrific. This is great.
594
What the fu...?
595
- Brendan! - What the fudge is he doing here?
596
We're going on family vacations together now?
597
I have no idea why they followed us to Africa.
598
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
599
Is this a sick dream? What is happening right now?
600
You're stalking my mom! You're a predator!
601
Hey! Don't talk to my dad like that, butthole!
602
- Language! - How about you don't correct my daughter?
603
She can say "butthole" if she wants to.
604
- Butthole! Butthole! - Not you.
605
I hear thunder on the mountain. Ha-ha-ha.
606
Welcome to South Africa. Mfana at your service.
607
Mfana.
608
Jim. I mean, Dick.
609
Dick Theodopolis.
610
Welcome, Dick Theodopolis!
611
And you are traveling with one little girl and two...
612
- Big girls. - Ha-ha-ha. Of course.
613
And you must be...
614
...Miss Palmer.
615
Yes. Jen Palmer.
616
I see what you did.
617
I see what you did too.
618
Are you ready for the most exciting, amazing, and romantic week...
619
...of your entire lives?
620
Exciting, amazing, romantic!
621
Yeah, we're here for the zero romance package.
622
You still haven't told the children, my friends?
623
Told the children what?
624
- Do I have a new mommy? - Mfana.
625
Will you do us a favor? Leave us alone for just two secs.
626
- Which means "of course. " - Thank you.
627
All right. Listen. Would you just reassure my son that we're not dating.
628
We are not dating! I promise you.
629
This is not a face I want to wake up to every morning.
630
Wow.
631
You'd be lucky to wake up to that every day. My mom is frigging hot.
632
Did you just say your mom was hot?
633
No! Not hot...!
634
That's just wrong.
635
- Tyler! Tyler! - Whoo!
636
- Get down from there! - Wee!
637
God! Please, please, please, please get down!
638
- Whoo! - Aah!
639
This place is ginormous!
640
My God!
641
Follow me. Right this way.
642
Welcome to your familymoon.
643
Whoa.
644
This is so cool.
645
Now we're talking! This is Africa, baby!
646
We'll take this room.
647
No! We want this room.
648
Silly Theocropolises! This is for the children.
649
This room is for the mama and the papa.
650
Look at that bed.
651
- Huge. - Awesome.
652
- This is so cool. - Look at this candy.
653
Here is where you make more Theopotamuses.
654
My bad.
655
What part of "not dating" does this bed fit into?
656
- Boy. - Okay. You know what?
657
Everybody fall into line.
658
Brendan, Tyler honey, I need you on the couch.
659
Hilary, C-SPAN, Lou...
660
Espn, Espn.
661
Excuse me. Espn. I'm sorry, honey.
662
My God.
663
Dick was gonna propose to Jen. A family honeymoon, a "familymoon. "
664
And your dumb friend ruined it. Here's what's gonna happen.
665
The first room we saw, we're gonna take that.
666
And you and your deranged boys can have Wilt Chamberlain's headquarters.
667
Dude, what are you eating?
668
"Cherry Pan-ties. "
669
What are "Cherry Pan-ties"? Let me see that.
670
- No! God! Spit it out! Spit it out! - Why?
671
Just no Cherry Pan-ties ever! Out, out, out!
672
Hey, Mom. I guess this used to be a firehouse.
673
Look at this place. Wow.
674
Hello, Mr. Snuffleupagus.
675
Heh. Theodopolis.
676
Hello...
677
Girls.
678
- Girls. They're girls. - That's twice.
679
Let's go, guys... Girls.
680
23. We're looking for 23.
681
There it is.
682
Ahem.
683
'Hi!
684
How you doing? I think we're sharing a table with you.
685
Yeah. Hi! I'm Eddy Wernick and this is Ginger Wernick and our son, Jake.
686
We're from Vancouver.
687
Okay. I'm your son. All right?
688
Ginger would've had to give birth to me when she was 6. She's not my mom.
689
Okay. Get it out there for everyone.
690
Sharing it, loving it. No holding back. That's good.
691
- All right. Let's do our thing. Come on. - Isn't this place fantastic?
692
So romantic.
693
Good. Gonna have a nice trip here.
694
- Um, Dad? - Hey, sweetie.
695
Where should I sit?
696
You can sit anywhere you want.
697
What about Mom? Where does she sit?
698
Where do you want her to sit?
699
Next to me?
700
Then that's where she'll sit. Go ahead.
701
Get right next to Lou. Your mom's right there.
702
Okay?
703
All good.
704
Ignoring it. Ignoring the weirdness.
705
Where's the funeral at, boys?
706
Where's the golf tournament at, girls?
707
No. No, no, no, no.
708
Mfana. Mfana!
709
Yes! Missus...?
710
Reynolds. Palmer! Just not his wife, okay?
711
I don't wanna sit here. Not gonna happen.
712
Ha, ha. I'm afraid it must happen, ma'am.
713
All tables are filled and this is your family.
714
Please sit with us.
715
You give it a try.
716
Every family fights.
717
You make it better.
718
- Yes? - Yes.
719
Try the chakalaka.
720
- Hi, new people. - Hello.
721
This is Lauren, by the way, and her children, the karate kids: Wax On and Wax Off.
722
Isn't this place fantastic?
723
It's so romantic.
724
Sorry, what'd you say?
725
So romantic!
726
Easy.
727
Keeping it classy, Ginger?
728
Jakey, you have something on your face.
729
It's a mole.
730
Hey! You can't sit there.
731
- Why not? - My mom's sitting there.
732
- Is she in the bathroom or something? - No. She's sitting there right now.
733
Are you on meds?
734
It's okay, Espn. We'll get Brendan another chair.
735
Thank you.
736
Whatever. I'm just gonna go to the buffet.
737
Tyler, come with me. They eat fried caterpillars here.
738
Hell, yeah!
739
Very nice. Girls, why don't you hit the buffet also?
740
Larry, make sure you have plenty of beef, okay? Gotta bulk up for the season.
741
Love you. Go on.
742
"Bulk up for the season"? What is she, a bear?
743
She's trying out for girls' varsity this year. A lot of big ladies out there.
744
- She's gonna eat her way into the starting five. - My God.
745
Hello, everybody!
746
My name is Nickens.
747
And we are Thathoo!
748
We play traditional South African isicathamiya music...
749
...with a little bit of American soul.
750
- Ha-ha-ha! - It is getting a little hot in here.
751
Finally, my huge African arms are free.
752
Yeah, baby!
753
Yes, they are.
754
No.
755
I would like to welcome you to our...
756
...Fourth Annual Blended Familymoon Week!
757
- What's a blended family? - I don't know. It sounds painful, though.
758
I am looking out at all you beautiful...
759
...stepchildren, stepdads, stepmoms...
760
...half-brothers, same-sex domestic partners, and good old-fashioned...
761
...booty calls gone wrong. Ha-ha-ha.
762
Now, even though the emphasis is on family...
763
...we here at the beautiful Sun City Resort want to make sure...
764
...you get some alone time.
765
Because alone time can sometime take a long time...
766
...we have many supervised activities for the young ones to do.
767
We have a fabulous jungle play zone.
768
A nightly pool party.
769
Hey, Espn. Why aren't you getting in? Is your mom afraid of the water?
770
Good one, Mom.
771
Magical animal time.
772
Little one, wouldn't you like to try petting a living animal?
773
He's dead?
774
And our famous Tekula teen disco!
775
Hey, dude. There's a lot of hot chicks out here.
776
The best time.
777
What the heck is...?
778
What is that?
779
Are you kidding me?
780
My God! Are you kidding me?
781
My God! God!
782
God! Crocodile!
783
Crocodile attack!
784
Help me! Somebody help me!
785
Please don't kill me! God! My God!
786
Mr. Bellyflopolis, the crocodiles are fake!
787
They're fake?
788
Yes, they're fake!
789
Why would you make them look so realistic?
790
Well, to scare the baboons away.
791
You just scared a zebra stripe into my underwear!
792
Don't worry! What happens in Africa, stays in Africa.
793
Tyler. Okay.
794
Excuse me.
795
Okay.
796
That's one way to get him to sleep through the night.
797
- You saw that? - I actually heard it.
798
I think they heard it in Uganda.
799
It was a lot easier when he was Lou's age.
800
Of course, let me help you out here. Here you are. You're home.
801
- Thank you. - Absol... Too late.
802
- Aah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
803
All right, all right, all right. Pick him up.
804
Three-second rule. Three-second rule.
805
Good, good, good. You're fine. He's fine.
806
Okay, now I'm getting scared.
807
Okay.
808
Sleep, sleep.
809
Too hot in here. No blanket, okay?
810
Here's your buddy.
811
Love ya, love ya.
812
Mom's sleeping there.
813
Okay, can I sleep with her?
814
No, you'll crush her.
815
No, I could get in with her and spoon with her. It would be nice.
816
- I don't wanna see that. - No. Okay.
817
We'll let Mommy rest. I'll... I'll figure it out.
818
I love you.
819
- I love you too, Dad. Good night. - Sleep good.
820
Me and you there, shorty.
821
Okay, that's right.
822
Right on my neck. That's gonna make a nice evening for me.
823
Hey, guys. It is time to wake up.
824
Africa awaits us. It's a beautiful morning.
825
- Is he crazy? - Go away. It's way too early.
826
Lou, will you wake up with Daddy, please?
827
In the name of Lucifer, let us sleep.
828
Up, up, up, you two. I have quite a day planned.
829
I need a coffee.
830
Morning.
831
- Big day planned? - Yeah.
832
7:15 nature walk. 8:30 petting zoo. 10:00 a. m. native crafts.
833
The boys, they're so excited.
834
Really? My girls are ecstatic also. Just jumping up and down on the bed.
835
Can't believe they're here.
836
- Cream? - No, thank you.
837
- Sugar? - Yes, please.
838
- Couldn't get the boys out of bed? - No.
839
The girls?
840
The girls are probably sleeping the rest of the trip.
841
Possible exorcism coming for the little one. We'll see what happens.
842
Well, it's beautiful here.
843
Yeah.
844
- I'll see you around. - Yeah. Have a good one.
845
You won't see that in New Jersey.
846
Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Okay. Here you go, baby.
847
That's it, sweetie. Take him down. Take him! That's it.
848
Back him. Use your weight! Muscle him.
849
- Unh. - Use your body.
850
- Unh! - Yeah! Finish it!
851
And bam! That's it! Yes!
852
Yes! Way to go, Larry.
853
Winners up. Let's go. Give me the ball. Buddy.
854
Up top.
855
And we go in. Let's go. Get loose.
856
Cut. Cut! Larry! Move!
857
Come on. What are you doing?
858
Larry?
859
Just cut! Go! Break it.
860
Shake him off. Come on.
861
Are you voguing right now?
862
What is happening?
863
Here! Just take the ball.
864
Work the kid. Work him. Lose him.
865
Cross him. Cross him over. Cross him.
866
Don't skip!
867
Why you moving like that? Is it the bra?
868
Because if it's the bra, just take it off. You don't need it anyways.
869
What?
870
What are you doing? We just started.
871
Is your boy okay? Why does he wear a bra?
872
She's a girl.
873
You suck.
874
MEN You suck, you suck, you suck
875
You suck, you suck, you suck
876
You suck, you suck, you suck You schooled by a little girl
877
Your boy has no skills
878
You schooled by a little girl
879
Tyler, slow down!
880
Come on, Mom! We're going four miles per hour.
881
That's plenty fast enough. Fast and safe.
882
Miss Palmer! It's okay to go fast.
883
Okay, Mfana.
884
Watch me!
885
Ha-ha-ha. Wee!
886
- You're going the wrong way! - Watch out, Grandma!
887
My bad.
888
The blending process is really going well for us.
889
My husband's 13-year-old still has some hatred issues towards me.
890
But it is becoming less physical, so it's a start.
891
- That's great. - Good for you.
892
I woke up this morning with a pillow pressed against my face.
893
But I could sense some guilt afterwards. So that's progress.
894
Hang in there, ladies. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
895
This little angel here...
896
...is finally starting to think of me as her second mom.
897
Not just her former gymnastics teacher.
898
What are you drawing, honey?
899
It's a picture of elephants stomping on your head and making you dead.
900
- Heh-heh-heh. - Stop it.
901
Don't worry. What happens in Africa stays in Africa.
902
Bump my fist?
903
- Ha, ha. Jim's so funny. - Yeah.
904
My head is boiling, Mom. Get it off.
905
I'm trying.
906
- Why did you tie it with so many knots? - I didn't want it to come flying off.
907
My God! What happened to her face?
908
- I painted it. She's a kitty cat. - Are you wearing eye shadow?
909
I made Daddy a princess, but he washed the paint off.
910
Well, not all the way off because he looks a little like Lady Gaga.
911
Why is this kid wearing a helmet? Are you carrying him to bed again or something?
912
No, I tied the chin strap too many times. I can't get it off.
913
Best thing about working at a sporting goods store: Swiss Army knives.
914
- Just be careful. - I'll go easy.
915
Aah!
916
Thank you.
917
- Daddy, I gotta go to the bathroom. - You do? Okay.
918
Can she take me?
919
She's got her own life to live. What do you gotta do? One or two?
920
- Number one. - I can handle this.
921
- Okay. - Will you watch him?
922
- And I mean watch him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, home slice.
923
- Okay. - For sure.
924
What's number one again?
925
It's a pee-pee.
926
And sometimes he wipes too hard.
927
I'm sure he doesn't mean to.
928
No, he's a good daddy. He just doesn't have a bagina.
929
Okay, honey. Let's wash your hands.
930
He's a bad daddy! He made me look like the walking dead!
931
No!
932
Okay.
933
All right.
934
Let's see what we have in the magic bag here.
935
Perfect.
936
All right. La, da, da.
937
You're pretty.
938
You're prettier.
939
I said you are.
940
Shut up and let me do your makeup.
941
Don't worry. They're around.
942
I'm not worried.
943
Maybe that's where they are.
944
Yeah!
945
Yeah!
946
Tyler?
947
- Hold on, now! - Excuse me.
948
- Hold on, big time! - Aah!
949
Aah! My God! I'm gonna kill him.
950
Yeah, baby! Hold on, now!
951
Whoa! Whoa!
952
Easy, homey. easy!
953
Tyler! Get off that dodo bird right now!
954
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everything's fine. The safety instructor's on top of it.
955
Look at me, Mom! I'm a cowboy!
956
Well, partner, I bet I can stay on longer than you!
957
It's on, sheriff.
958
No "longer"! No "staying"!
959
- I can't be beat! - I can't hear you! You're going down!
960
I'm never gonna fall off! Never!
961
Whoo! One hand, mama!
962
Whoo... Aah!
963
Ooh!
964
Good!
965
Yes! I win! I'm the king of Africa!
966
- Whoa! - Tyler!
967
A winner!
968
Are you kidding me?
969
Yee-haw! Yee-haw!
970
Wow. Whoo, boom!
971
You're a moron, okay? Because he could've broken his neck!
972
Mom. Mom, Mom. Did you see that? I stuck the landing and did the bull dance.
973
I saw it.
974
Thank you so much for taking me on this trip, Mom.
975
This is the best day of my life!
976
Okay. Great! Good! Good. I love you so much.
977
- I'm so glad you're having fun. - Aw.
978
You're welcome.
979
Thank you so much.
980
- Why you flipping my dad off? - I'm not.
981
Yo! Check out white girl in the neighborhood.
982
Am I right, my brothers? Woo-woo!
983
I can't believe your dad's into my mom.
984
He doesn't like her. She's into him.
985
No way. He's goofy and flabby all over. My mom's gorgeous with a rocking body.
986
Hey, that's sick, man.
987
That was out of context!
988
Was it?
989
You know, you should just go talk to him because he probably won't bite.
990
No, no. I can't.
991
Got a boyfriend back at home?
992
Please. All the guys at my school pretty much assume I'm a lesbian.
993
And not the hot kind.
994
Well, have you ever considered, say, like...
995
...changing your hairstyle?
996
Our barber only really knows how to do this and crew cuts.
997
- So... - A barber?
998
Like the kind with a pole outside?
999
He cut our grandfather's hair. He cuts my dad's hair.
1000
- And now he cuts our hair. Heh. - May I just...?
1001
Yup.
1002
You have such a beautiful face.
1003
You know, it's funny because I was actually on my way to the salon.
1004
Do you wanna come check it out with me?
1005
For what?
1006
For a hairdo...
1007
...for a girl...
1008
...in this century.
1009
I would but I'd have to ask my dad for the money.
1010
No. No, no, no. It's on me.
1011
Really?
1012
It would make me so happy.
1013
Because I don't get to do this with my boys.
1014
- Come on, Prince Valiant. - Heh.
1015
- I don't know who that is but okay. - Okay.
1016
Where do you buy your clothes?
1017
Dad gets most of our clothes from work.
1018
Then I guess we should be grateful he doesn't work at Hooters.
1019
No, my mom worked at Hooters.
1020
She what?
1021
My mom, she used to work at Hooters. She managed the one over on Lake Street.
1022
Heh.
1023
So then he gets down on one knee and proposes.
1024
Right in the middle of kickboxing class.
1025
He's lucky he didn't get kicked in the nuts.
1026
My nuts! Ha-ha-ha.
1027
Espn. This is the best passion fruit I've ever tasted. Try it.
1028
And I got some for your mom too.
1029
Thank you.
1030
You're welcome.
1031
So how'd you two sexicans meet?
1032
Yeah! Hitting them with the hard questions. I like it.
1033
Well, we met on a blind date.
1034
Argh. Those are the worst.
1035
I've been on 10 blind dates in my life.
1036
All fatties. Ten for ten. All fatties.
1037
No offense, Jim.
1038
What?
1039
So what happened? Where'd he take you?
1040
Actually, Hooters.
1041
Here we go.
1042
Which was wonderful service, nice people, really great.
1043
Aw. How romantic.
1044
Aw, everyone's shimmying now.
1045
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy. Ha-ha-ha.
1046
Why you no shimmy, Jimmy? Shimmy.
1047
Jim?
1048
Where's Larry? What happened to Larry?
1049
I'm right here, Dad.
1050
Why were the...?
1051
How did this...?
1052
What's happening right now?
1053
Um, well, Lauren gave me her salon appointment...
1054
...and they put in hair extensions and makeup...
1055
...and she even told them how to style it and what to do, what not to do.
1056
She was pretty amazing.
1057
She was amazing?
1058
Do you want to go get some sushi from the bar?
1059
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, scarecrow! She's gotta bulk up!
1060
Pork chops! Lamb chops! Tri-tip!
1061
Let's go get our beef on?
1062
I think someone new came to dinner. A flying baby named Cupid.
1063
- Heh-heh-heh. - Ping.
1064
Aah! You got me!
1065
Now we're both in love.
1066
What's the matter?
1067
What's the matter?
1068
I just looked at my daughter, and I didn't really recognize her.
1069
Kind of threw me off for a minute.
1070
Well, she's 15, you know? She's bound to grow up at some point.
1071
I know. Call me crazy.
1072
I just thought maybe that would be my decision because she's my kid!
1073
Okay! Awkward moment. Uncomfortable. Tension.
1074
I'm leaving the table. Who's with me?
1075
- Me! Me! - I'm going.
1076
Wow.
1077
Whoa. I just...
1078
Can I ask you?
1079
What made you think you could tart up my daughter without my permission?
1080
You're right. I'm sorry. I am.
1081
I just find it hypocritical from someone who nearly killed my son.
1082
So it was getting even? Is that it?
1083
No, it's not getting even but I just...
1084
- She's beautiful. - Right.
1085
With that pageboy Prince Valiant haircut you gave her...
1086
She looked very nice with that haircut.
1087
...and the tracksuit, are you kidding me? Dying on the inside to come out!
1088
Her mother was tomboyish at her age and that was fine with me.
1089
You knew your wife when she was 15?
1090
I knew my wife when I was 13. I had a crush on her.
1091
I have no idea why she liked me back.
1092
I was 90 percent goofy and 10 percent loser.
1093
Well, I was 60 percent Urkel and 40 percent Screech.
1094
Put it to you this way: If I didn't have braces, my teeth would be hitting you right now.
1095
I'm sorry I yelled at you. I feel like a jerk because I put your kid on a gooney bird...
1096
- ... and I didn't ask your permission. - No, but listen. You're right.
1097
I need to let go of the reins a little bit.
1098
I just want to say on behalf of Thathoo...
1099
...how happy we are to see you two lovebirds finally...
1100
...blending.
1101
No, we're not blending. We were just having a conversation.
1102
- Just happy we haven't killed each other yet. - Heh.
1103
Yes, yes, you are blending
1104
We don't feel that way about each other!
1105
Yes, you'll be touching
1106
Like wine and bobotie
1107
All right, let's go and get our beef on!
1108
And like malva pudding
1109
All right, thank you.
1110
I think they're blending over there! Come now! Come now!
1111
They're blending over here! Yes!
1112
Daddy, look!
1113
Ha-ha-ha. Woo-hoo!
1114
What? I thought I saw an eagle.
1115
I saw a camel! Ha-ha-ha.
1116
Hey, Hilary. You wanna come in our truck?
1117
Shouldn't you be in your coffin? The sun's out right now.
1118
Take a walk, homes.
1119
Yo, yo, yo.
1120
Go ahead.
1121
- My God. Ha-ha-ha.
1122
Look, children.
1123
The bush pig has lost its parents...
1124
...so it is being cared for by Mama and Papa Lion.
1125
Even in nature there are blended families.
1126
- That's nice. - That's sweet.
1127
I may have misread that situation.
1128
- You think so, buddy? - What is wrong with you?
1129
Yeah, Lauren!
1130
Yeah. baby!
1131
- No! - You can do it, Mom!
1132
Go Lauren! Go Lauren!
1133
Whoa.
1134
My God.
1135
Emotional. Time passing. Changes.
1136
It's... it's... It's hard.
1137
You gotta let it go. Turning the page. Moving on.
1138
She was a little kid just a...
1139
Processing it. Accepting it.
1140
The circle of life. Painful, though.
1141
It hurts, right?
1142
No. Not for me. I got a boy.
1143
But you're in the shithouse.
1144
Thanks.
1145
Whoo! Aah!
1146
The view is splendid!
1147
Which mean "who's next?"
1148
Please, Mom?
1149
What? That? Are you crazy? No.
1150
If Mfana can do it, I could do it. It's totally safe.
1151
There is no way I'm going to let you do that.
1152
Unless I try it first...
1153
- ... and make sure you can handle it. - Yes!
1154
Yeah! Yeah!
1155
Your mom is gonna do it.
1156
You have nothing to worry about. You are in tight.
1157
You got 50-gauge webbing here.
1158
Possibly malaria is the only thing you gotta think about.
1159
Don't swallow anything weird up there.
1160
Okay. What happens if, like, I wanna signal for help...
1161
- ... or, like, if I decide to change my mind? Aah! - Whoa!
1162
Yeah, baby!
1163
- You look good! - My God!
1164
I change my mind! I change my mind!
1165
- Whoo! - That's awesome!
1166
Wow!
1167
My God!
1168
It's beautiful!
1169
Go, Mama, go!
1170
Aah! Aah!
1171
There are giraffes!
1172
Jim, there are giraffes right there! I can see them!
1173
Well, say hello for me!
1174
Wow!
1175
This is so pretty!
1176
My God! Elephants! Elephants!
1177
Aah!
1178
- Thatta girl! - Go Lauren!
1179
Why is she screaming?
1180
She's not screaming. She's howling. She's having fun.
1181
Looking good up there, baby!
1182
Fly, Mrs. Thorpopolis! Fly like the wind!
1183
Tyler! You've gotta try this!
1184
Why you slowing down?
1185
- We're out of gas. - You're out of gas? What does that mean?
1186
We used to have gas. But now we're out.
1187
My God! What's happening?
1188
Jim!
1189
- We're out of gas! - What?
1190
- No. - My God! No!
1191
This is all your fault!
1192
Don't worry! My dad's gonna come up with a plan!
1193
- What's the plan? - Look for a gas station.
1194
You suck.
1195
Why did I let you talk me into this?
1196
Listen to me!
1197
When you get close to the ground...
1198
...start running fast!
1199
I have the legs of a corgi dog!
1200
It doesn't matter right now! Move those little babies!
1201
You cannot let your kids see you die like this!
1202
Go! Go! Go!
1203
Now! Get those legs going!
1204
My God! Rhino!
1205
- Rhino, rhino! - My God!
1206
Spread them!
1207
- My God! - Spread the legs!
1208
- Aah! - Her bagina!
1209
Aah!
1210
Yeah!
1211
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Dad!
1212
Ooh.
1213
Aah.
1214
I didn't have you pegged for the massage type of guy.
1215
It's the first massage I'll ever do in my life. I have to.
1216
To see if they can rub my pancreas out of my neck.
1217
My God. You're welcome, by the way.
1218
For what?
1219
"For what?" For saving you.
1220
You didn't save me.
1221
You told me to keep running.
1222
Why didn't you catch me?
1223
I was supposed to catch you? Who am I, Batman?
1224
Coming at me like 700 miles an hour.
1225
You're weighing about a buck fifty. The inertia would rip my arms off my body.
1226
Yes. That's me. I weigh a buck fifty. If I'm holding your left ass cheek.
1227
- I don't know what women weigh. - You don't know anything.
1228
- We'll see. - Have a nice massage.
1229
All right. Now do the same on your partner...
1230
...while making sure to continue to look deeply into each others' eyes.
1231
- What is this? - A scene out of The Doors?
1232
I don't know.
1233
Ma'am? Yeah. I booked a massage.
1234
Yes. You've booked for the Art of Couples massage.
1235
- I just got a call from my babysitter... - There was an avalanche in my back yard...
1236
Come on! This is exactly what you guys need.
1237
We'll form a massage train. I'll be the caboose.
1238
- Unacceptable. - I'm joking.
1239
- Join us. - No, ma'am.
1240
- I'm so good. - I'm being totally honest...
1241
I think you should. This way.
1242
- And there you go. - My God.
1243
Okay!
1244
Let's loosen things up by stroking your lover's neck.
1245
Okay, come on now.
1246
Don't be bashful.
1247
Give yourself over to the pleasure of your loving partner's touch.
1248
Yeah.
1249
- Hello. - How are you?
1250
Remember to keep the touch soft.
1251
Lightly brush your fingers against her skin.
1252
It's so...
1253
God! What's happening?
1254
- Is there a bug on me? - No.
1255
There's no bug. I was just trying to get some skin, like she said.
1256
- Well, that hurts the jugular. - I won't do it.
1257
I'm sorry. I don't know...
1258
...how to give you a...
1259
Okay, so...
1260
There you go.
1261
- That's actually really nice. Heh. - Good.
1262
God.
1263
I feel like I'm relaxing.
1264
It's wonderful.
1265
Excuse me. Am I gonna get some sort of rub action here...
1266
...or does the guy do all the work in Africa?
1267
Very funny, Mr. Moptopolis.
1268
But he's right. Ladies, it's time for you to join in.
1269
As your partner moves down to your shoulders, reach out...
1270
...and touch his ears.
1271
Gently rub the lobes between your thumb and index finger...
1272
...as if you were rubbing the morning dew...
1273
...off a flower petal.
1274
- Are these your flower petals? - Yes.
1275
- Now rub the dew. Ha, ha. Do the dew. - Heh.
1276
I'd be doing you a really big favor if I just yanked these goofy things right off.
1277
Just shut up, schlumpy shoulders.
1278
- I do have schlumpy shoulders. - No, you don't. They're very nice.
1279
But you know what helps if you need to work on your posture?
1280
Here, just lift your arms a little bit. Watch, I'll show you. Right...
1281
Feels very good.
1282
- You have nice shoulders. - Really?
1283
You really have a lot of muscle.
1284
- Not as much as you. - Heh.
1285
From carrying that kid around and smashing his head.
1286
Yeah!
1287
Mr. Wernick. Those are not your wife's shoulders.
1288
Busted!
1289
Loving it though. Respect the vision. I get it.
1290
- Gotta go for it, right? - You do!
1291
Whoa.
1292
That was so relaxing.
1293
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1294
I hope I put your pancreas back where it belongs.
1295
I don't even know where it is right now.
1296
- Are you my sexy little wormhole? - Yeah, I'm your sexy little wormhole!
1297
They have fun.
1298
That's very pretty.
1299
You were very nice. Thank you.
1300
Heh. You know.
1301
You're a strong woman. Strong hands.
1302
I'm glad you like my hands.
1303
Daddy?
1304
Can Lauren put me to bed?
1305
Sweetheart, Daddy will put you to bed in one second.
1306
But I want Lauren.
1307
Lauren... Another time, Lauren will do that.
1308
But I want her to put me to bed tonight.
1309
And Daddy said no.
1310
No.
1311
No!
1312
I want Lauren.
1313
I'm flattered.
1314
That's good. You're all right.
1315
Okay. How's that? Are you all cozy now?
1316
Yes.
1317
Daddy? Can you give us some alone time?
1318
I could go to the bathroom outside. Is that what you want? You got it.
1319
Thrown out of my own tent.
1320
I own him.
1321
It seems that way.
1322
Can you rub my head so I have good dreams?
1323
Of course.
1324
What a cute little head.
1325
Ew.
1326
Couldn't go a little further from the tent?
1327
What do you want from me? There could be gorillas out here, ready to kill.
1328
Well, why don't you get them to give you some Flomax or something.
1329
Yep, getting older. I'll give you that.
1330
Can you sing to me?
1331
Um, sure.
1332
What should I sing?
1333
Somewhere over the rainbow
1334
Way up high
1335
There's a land that I heard of
1336
Once in a lullaby
1337
Someday I'll wish upon a star
1338
And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me
1339
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
1340
Away above the chimney tops
1341
That's where
1342
You'll find me
1343
- There's a gorilla right there! - Aah!
1344
I'm just kidding! I'm sorry!
1345
I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle how emotional it was getting. I just... I'm sorry.
1346
Get some rest. I didn't mean to do that to you.
1347
So get in your stance. That's right.
1348
And spread your legs just a little bit. Like an inch.
1349
Elbow up. It's all about balance.
1350
That's right. That's right. Keep your weight right there.
1351
How do you even play cricket?
1352
We're not playing cricket. We're playing baseball.
1353
The only thing at the hotel they had was this stupid battle thingamajiggy.
1354
Who's that guy?
1355
He's some guy named Dale. He'll be pitching to you.
1356
Yeah, in cricket we don't pitch, we bowl.
1357
Hey, Dale. How much am I paying you?
1358
Five Brooklyn T-shirts from your sporting goods store.
1359
Okay, I'm gonna make it four if you correct me again.
1360
All right, Dale. Pitch... Or bowl one in.
1361
- I stink at this. - No, it's not you. It's not you.
1362
Dale, you think maybe you can reach the plate? That would help.
1363
Actually, in cricket we bounce the...
1364
I'll try. I'll try.
1365
All right. Elbow up. Come on. Get there.
1366
I don't wanna do this!
1367
Hey. What are you doing?
1368
You don't throw your bat. Or whatever this thing is called.
1369
- A bat. - Thank you.
1370
You're an athlete. You're a sportsman. You gotta respect your equipment.
1371
- Yes, sir. - We ain't leaving here...
1372
...till you hit the ball as good as you ride an ostrich.
1373
Pick up the bat.
1374
Hey. I know you're up there all alone.
1375
It's scary. You feel like all the pressure's on you.
1376
But guess what? The pressure is on him.
1377
Doesn't look like he's feeling the pressure.
1378
He's feeling it all right. He doesn't think he can get the ball past you.
1379
I want you to look him right in the eyes and let him know you own him.
1380
Go ahead. That's it, big time.
1381
Give him the stink eye.
1382
What's his problem?
1383
Well, look at that. You rattled him.
1384
Okay. Dale, pitch it in if ya got the guts.
1385
Whoa!
1386
Yes! Did you see that? I killed it!
1387
Let's do it a hundred more times.
1388
If I hit like that, my dad's gonna start coming to my games.
1389
What's going on here?
1390
Jim just taught me how to make the pitcher my bitch.
1391
My brother doesn't need you to teach him how to hit!
1392
Okay. You wanna show him how to do it?
1393
Let's see what you got.
1394
I don't need to prove anything to you, d-bag.
1395
Dale, did he really just call me a d-bag?
1396
This shit just got real.
1397
I'm gonna kill you.
1398
Okay, we'll see. Let's get your gloves up. Face protected.
1399
Kick his ass, Brendan!
1400
- What's that? - Kick his ass, Jim!
1401
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
1402
You see, you gotta look at your target.
1403
How about I put a picture of your babysitter on my face? Will you look at it then?
1404
- Yeah, yeah. - Just leave her out of this!
1405
Use your right hand. You're better with that one.
1406
All right, all right. Boom.
1407
- You seem pissed at me. - You just hit me!
1408
No! Before that. Before that, like when we first met.
1409
- Just think that my mom could do better. - First of all, she can't do better.
1410
Because no one's better than me. I am the greatest.
1411
Secondly, I think it's nice that you wanna protect your mommy.
1412
I hate you!
1413
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. Calm down. That was good though.
1414
Showing a little something in there. Listen, being a man...
1415
...ain't about pissing and moaning anytime something's bothering you.
1416
It's about dealing with what's in front of you. So deal with me.
1417
Are you okay?
1418
That was sneaky. But I'm fine.
1419
Does that make me a man now, Jimbo?
1420
No.
1421
Asking me if I was okay, that was a start.
1422
They are blending
1423
They are bonding
1424
Yeah, that's great. Didn't know you guys worked out together, but it makes sense.
1425
When one person
1426
Meets another
1427
Come together
1428
They are blending
1429
And then what happened?
1430
The bowler threw it, and I hit it like a mile away.
1431
Yeah. And then Jim taught me how to box.
1432
And after 5 minutes, I basically knocked him out.
1433
Yeah!
1434
Well, that was nice of him.
1435
Kind of worked out well, they came on this trip.
1436
Yes, it did.
1437
Lauren, you looked so hot in this dress, I had to buy it for you.
1438
And by "buy," I mean "steal. "
1439
Hope you're having fun on my vacation.
1440
So its tongue was ridiculous. It got me, like, all over.
1441
It was, like, in balls. They were like:
1442
Like a stem going against each other, head-to-head.
1443
Dad. Did you comb your hair?
1444
No. Got out of the shower like this, I guess.
1445
You took a shower?
1446
I shower! I'm allowed to shower. My God.
1447
- I haven't taken a shower since we got here. - I know. You stink. I love it.
1448
Yeah, I stink bad.
1449
Yeah, you stink real bad. Your breath smells terrible.
1450
Where's Lauren?
1451
Wow.
1452
- Look at Mom. - Hello.
1453
Dad! Say something to her.
1454
Yes, yes. You look very, very nice.
1455
Well, thank you. You showered.
1456
Am I really known as the non-shower guy? I shower all the time, guys.
1457
No, he doesn't.
1458
Ladies and gentlemen...
1459
...it's the final night...
1460
...of our blended family experience here in Africa.
1461
Our tradition is to invite the kiddies to the pool area...
1462
...for our famous kids-only safari buffet...
1463
...and 10-foot chocolate rain forest fountain!
1464
Can we go, Dad?
1465
All right, go ahead. Stay with you sisters though.
1466
My boy here's a chocoholic. You better watch out.
1467
Or he's gonna jump in and come out looking like a handsome Hershey bar.
1468
Did you see that?
1469
I made him smile. He tried not to but he couldn't help himself.
1470
- We're gonna be a great family. - Yes, we are.
1471
Love you.
1472
All of the little ones have gone.
1473
Tonight the dining room is:
1474
Adults-only.
1475
Yeah, now we're getting there.
1476
Let's have all you blended lovers on the dance floor.
1477
Love
1478
Is a many blended thing
1479
It's the April rose
1480
That only grows In the early spring
1481
It's crazy?
1482
The song.
1483
He took the word "splendid" and replaced it with "blended. "
1484
So clever. It rhymes!
1485
But, the real word is "splendored. "
1486
So wouldn't it be "blendored"?
1487
What's this now?
1488
I'm just rambling. I'm sorry. What...?
1489
- Heh. - Are you ready, Mr. Chiapetolis?
1490
"Chiapetolis"? All right. He finally got it.
1491
- Heh. Ready for what? - You scheduled a star-gazing experience.
1492
So...
1493
...Mrs. Chiapetolis, would you like to come join me?
1494
- Yeah. - All right.
1495
Once
1496
High on a windy hill
1497
Or two hills, that's good
1498
On a morning mist, Two lovers kiss
1499
Just a little bit farther.
1500
- All right. Thank you. - Okay.
1501
Here we are.
1502
Dinner for two.
1503
Yeah.
1504
Wow.
1505
This is good.
1506
I gotta give it up to Dick. He's probably the most romantic guy on the planet.
1507
Yeah, he's got the moves. No doubt about it.
1508
I bet this is where he was gonna ask Jen to marry him.
1509
Maybe.
1510
We were able to get everything you asked for this morning...
1511
...except the sticks of cheese in the shape of a heart.
1512
Cheese sticks?
1513
Did you set this up?
1514
I wanted a do-over.
1515
For that first date fiasco.
1516
I'm better than that.
1517
Which means:
1518
"Lovers long for the moment their souls may blend in a whisper. "
1519
May this be your moment.
1520
Did you eat pork chops...
1521
...with tuna fish today at lunch?
1522
- Yes, I did. - I can tell.
1523
Apologies. I will brush my teeth presently, Mr. Lollipopolis.
1524
I'd brush them twice. And did you really call me "Lollipopolis"?
1525
It's Theodopolis. Just for the record.
1526
I know. I just like to have fun...
1527
...Jim Friedman.
1528
- Wha...? - What?
1529
- That was good. - Thank you, Mfana.
1530
How about Thathoo showing up everywhere?
1531
They were in my shower this morning. I had a very nice time with them too.
1532
There she is. Thank you so much.
1533
Hey, Bubbles. Nice wiggle, but you grew a tail. Ha-ha-ha.
1534
Here's looking at you.
1535
No, really. Looking at you, because you're actually looking at me this time.
1536
You...
1537
...have the most beautiful...
1538
...kids.
1539
- Thank you. - Sure.
1540
You're a great mom too.
1541
You're a pretty good mom yourself.
1542
I'll take that.
1543
Tyler has a playoff game on Saturday...
1544
Yeah?
1545
...and I think that...
1546
...for the very first time, he won't actually be completely dreading it, thanks to you.
1547
Tell your... His father the more he works with him, the more he's gonna get confident...
1548
...the more he's gonna belt the ball anytime he gets up there.
1549
Yeah, well, his dad's not really into working with him, you know...
1550
...because to do that, he'd have to show up, which he's just not good at.
1551
You gotta show up for your kids.
1552
It should be boring how reliable a parent is.
1553
It's funny to me that some people don't get that. You do!
1554
I mean, your kid needs to come first 100 percent of the time.
1555
Absolutely. 99 percent.
1556
One percent of the time, I think we are allowed to get what we want.
1557
Aah. God.
1558
I forgot what it was like to want something.
1559
I vaguely remember it feels good.
1560
I can't do this.
1561
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
1562
I really... I'm... It's not you.
1563
I thought I could do this. I just...
1564
Sorry about them too.
1565
They're still awesome.
1566
Sorry I did that to you.
1567
He didn't kiss you?
1568
He's an idiot.
1569
Although, you have to admit. The monkeys playing the violins and stuff?
1570
That is hilarious.
1571
I can't believe that we both found these great guys...
1572
...and we're not gonna end up with them.
1573
Are you gonna get that?
1574
Hi. It's not a good time right now.
1575
I L word you so hard.
1576
And you know what? I am gonna make L word to you...
1577
...for at least an hour and a half.
1578
Okay.
1579
That was my mom.
1580
And she's doing good.
1581
All right. I'm giving Dick another chance.
1582
To do what? Get rid of his kids?
1583
I'm gonna meet his children. Heh.
1584
You should try saying that without contorting your face so much.
1585
I'm gonna meet his children.
1586
Heh. Better.
1587
I'm sorry about Jim.
1588
Me too.
1589
Why didn't you kiss her, man?
1590
I couldn't. I just...
1591
I was afraid it wasn't the right thing to do.
1592
What did Africa do to you?
1593
That doesn't hurt. Stop.
1594
I'm trying my best. Just sit still.
1595
- Does it look pretty? - It looks fantastic. Yeah.
1596
Yay.
1597
Ha-ha-ha. No.
1598
- You look nice. - Thanks.
1599
- Where you off to? - I'm going on a date with Jake.
1600
How can you go out with Jake? He lives in Vancouver.
1601
Hi, Mr. Friedman.
1602
Yay there, Skeletor. Listen, make sure plenty of beef.
1603
Seriously. She's got tryouts this week.
1604
Lamb chops, pork chops, tri-tips. You got it.
1605
That's the way.
1606
Garbage twisties?
1607
- I don't know how to... - You're awful.
1608
Just fix it then.
1609
So when are we gonna see Lauren again?
1610
Something happened between you guys.
1611
No. What are you, crazy? Nothing happened.
1612
Dad, come on. I saw the way you looked at her.
1613
- And I saw the way she looked at you. - It's undeniable.
1614
- You guys are infatuated with each other. - Jake, butt out.
1615
Sorry, sir.
1616
Don't you guys have anything better to do than look at people looking at each other?
1617
Besides, what am I supposed to do?
1618
Change our whole lives just because I'm in love with her?
1619
Yes!
1620
Wow.
1621
Aah! So romantic!
1622
Loving it! Taking a risk. Go get her, baby!
1623
I know I confused you.
1624
I just had to make sure.
1625
For my wife and for my kids.
1626
And for your kids. And for you. And...
1627
Just so we have no lies.
1628
It was me who drank your beer at Hooters.
1629
I don't know why I did that. I get free beers there...
1630
...so it was just panic then.
1631
Yeah?
1632
This is 323, right?
1633
Yeah.
1634
I was looking for Lauren.
1635
You and me both.
1636
Jim!
1637
Big time! Look at you!
1638
Mom's not home. This is my dad.
1639
Mark.
1640
Yeah. Who are you?
1641
Jim! The cool guy from the safari.
1642
Do you wanna "bowl" me a few pitches?
1643
I'm sure your father wants to do that with you.
1644
No, he doesn't.
1645
No, no, no, no. Go get your bat, big time.
1646
Hey! We can all play!
1647
I'll get Brendan's glove. He never uses it.
1648
Boy, he hasn't shut up about that Africa trip.
1649
Your kids are incredible.
1650
Yeah.
1651
That's why Lauren and I are, you know, trying to make things work again.
1652
For them.
1653
- I didn't know that. - Yeah.
1654
I'll tell her you came by.
1655
And I'll put these in the bedroom...
1656
...next to where we make love.
1657
Okay.
1658
Tell Tyler I said goodbye.
1659
Where's Jim going?
1660
He had stuff to do, I guess.
1661
- Can you and me play then? - Yeah, of Co...
1662
Ooh. Saved by the bell.
1663
Hey, what's up?
1664
You busy?
1665
- Hi. - Hi.
1666
Is there a GQ photo shoot going on here?
1667
No. I'm just... I'm just chilling.
1668
I'm sorry that took so long. Thank you for watching after the boys.
1669
I'm done now and I'm guessing you have somewhere you gotta go so...
1670
How do you always look so great?
1671
Yeah? It's my haven't-washed-my-hair-in-three-days look.
1672
Thanks for noticing.
1673
Heh. You're so funny.
1674
It's hard for me to imagine you with someone else.
1675
Really? It wasn't hard for you to imagine yourself...
1676
...with someone else when you cheated on me.
1677
You always bring it back to that. I could say, "Hey, look at that house. "
1678
And you'd say, "We lived in a house when you cheated on me. "
1679
Or I could say, "Pass that pickle. " And you could say, I don't know.
1680
Something about a pickle and you cheating on me.
1681
It's fun to laugh with you again, Lauren.
1682
We used to do that all the time.
1683
You brought flowers?
1684
Yeah.
1685
Why'd you bring flowers?
1686
Because you deserve flowers.
1687
Lauren, when you went away to Africa, I did a lot of thinking.
1688
You and I, we have so much history together. Two boys.
1689
One receptionist.
1690
Look, I made a mistake!
1691
You made it at least four mistakes that I know of.
1692
Made. Past tense.
1693
I was a jerk.
1694
Lauren, you were the best thing in my life.
1695
You and the boys.
1696
And boys need their fathers.
1697
They do.
1698
I know that I'm a good father.
1699
I just need to prove it to them.
1700
Well, you can! It's not too late.
1701
Is it too late...
1702
...for this?
1703
What are you doing?
1704
I'm coming home, baby.
1705
Mark! Get off of me!
1706
You don't live here anymore!
1707
Is there someone else?
1708
Heh. No. And that's none of your business anyway.
1709
You're interested in being a good father?
1710
Tyler has a game on Saturday. Be there.
1711
Dad?
1712
I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry.
1713
I was talking to Mom before bed.
1714
And...
1715
...she says she has a lot of stuff to do.
1716
She does?
1717
Yeah. So she might not be able to hang around as much.
1718
Okay.
1719
She also said you need to increase my allowance to 5 dollars.
1720
She's very generous.
1721
I just...
1722
I don't want her to disappear.
1723
Sweetheart, she's never gonna disappear.
1724
Never ever.
1725
You can let her go. She will always be right here.
1726
And I will always be here. I promise you.
1727
By the way...
1728
...Mom loved the Africa trip.
1729
So did I.
1730
I miss her.
1731
Your mother was the greatest.
1732
I mean Lauren.
1733
Me too.
1734
We don't have to let go of her too, do we?
1735
Come here.
1736
Brendan, don't forget that I'm picking you up for Scouts...
1737
...so don't take the bus home.
1738
Thanks for telling everyone I'm still in Scouts, Mom.
1739
You're a good boy. Be proud of who you are.
1740
Love you.
1741
Say one word and you're dead.
1742
You're driving a minivan.
1743
It's Dick's.
1744
I'm off to buy toilet paper for Team Theodopolis.
1745
When the team needs toilet paper, the Co-captain goes and gets it.
1746
And believe me, those kids never stop crapping.
1747
Kids need to crap.
1748
You need anything from Walmart?
1749
I'm good.
1750
- See you at the PTA meeting. - Okay, foxy.
1751
Yeah! Base on!
1752
This is so good, honey.
1753
- This is family. - This is fun for me.
1754
- Way to go, Dad. - One out to go.
1755
But Standard Fence has a rally going.
1756
Now batting, number 23, Tyler Reynolds.
1757
- Hey, that's not nice! - Shut up. That kid's awful.
1758
Go Tyler!
1759
Tracy.
1760
What's your head doing here?
1761
Strike one!
1762
I'm so sorry Mark didn't show up.
1763
He just doesn't get it, you know? Your kids have to come first 100 percent of the time.
1764
Well, like, 99 percent. You get one percent for yourself.
1765
- That's great news. - Heh.
1766
Well, no matter what, you have to show up for your kids.
1767
Like him.
1768
- Hey, hey! All right, big time! - Come on, Tyler!
1769
Looking good out there!
1770
Get that elbow up!
1771
Elbow up!
1772
Incredible.
1773
Come on, Tyler.
1774
Strike two!
1775
All right, all right!
1776
Nice cut, nice cut. Slow it down a little bit.
1777
Bend those knees. Balance, okay?
1778
Take care of this. That's it.
1779
Elbow up. Higher, higher.
1780
Now, remember the stink eye.
1781
The mustache is rattled.
1782
Come on, Tyler, let's go!
1783
Take them deep.
1784
You hit it!
1785
Run, Tyler, run!
1786
Keep going, brother! Go!
1787
Go now!
1788
Don't hesitate. Come, come!
1789
Come to me, big time!
1790
Go! Run to me!
1791
Keep it going, Tyler!
1792
We're going home, baby!
1793
We're going home!
1794
Safe!
1795
Yeah! Yes!
1796
Do you believe in miracles?
1797
Yeah! Whoo!
1798
Yeah! That's my brother!
1799
Ha, ha! Whoo.
1800
Thank you.
1801
All you in there, big time.
1802
My God!
1803
What are you doing?
1804
I love you!
1805
That was amazing.
1806
I'm so sorry to show up like this. I was at your house the other day...
1807
...and I saw your ex-husband blow off Tyler when he wanted to practice.
1808
I know you guys are trying to work it out, but it broke my heart.
1809
We're not working it out. That's never gonna happen.
1810
Really?
1811
What were you doing at my house?
1812
I came by to tell you that...
1813
...I think it's okay now.
1814
Okay for what?
1815
Okay to have one of those rare, rare moments...
1816
...where we get what we want.
1817
Well, what do we want?
1818
You know what we want.
1819
Yeah. I think the kids want it too.
1820
Not as much as I do there, schlumpy shoulders.
1821
Wait.
1822
I can't do this.
1823
You're kidding me.
1824
Heh. Totally. I just had to get you back for Africa.
1825
Come on.
1826
You know something?
1827
Your mom is hot.
1828
Your dad's pretty hot too.
1829
Not hot.
1830
Come on, you deserve a nice massage.
1831
- It's good. - Come on, you like that.
1832
- It hurts so good. - Sorry.
1833
Look, they're blending
1834
Hearts are mending
1835
Sad times ending Good times spending
1836
With love
1837
Kids are friending
1838
Wedding trending
1839
Blending, friending, blending, friending Movie ending

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